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When they shoot scenes w stagecoaches in Westerns, I bet the horses think "Hey wtf? We're not supposed to have to do this sheet anymore"
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08-27-2019 10:44
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ometimes I crash parties in a swimsuit, and tell people I'm a Reverse Lifeguard keeping an eye on the land.
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08-27-2019 10:44
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Sometimes I just can’t believe I am an adult with normal things like a mortgage, a job, and an overwhelming desire to drive off a cliff.
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08-27-2019 10:45
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I'll sleep when my iPhone's dead.
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08-27-2019 10:45
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i miss the 1970s when you could ignore a call without even knowing who it was
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08-27-2019 10:47
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Wedding photographer's slogan: Take a picture of your marriage. It will last longer.
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08-27-2019 10:47
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so many beautiful women I went to high school with are now married to sentient camouflage hats
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08-27-2019 10:48
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The longest 10 seconds of my day is when I have to hold down the button on an electronic thing to turn it off
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08-27-2019 10:50
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People are weird. Everyone knows door handles spread disease, but whenever I ask a business owner if I can clean his knob I get thrown out.
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08-27-2019 10:51
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This youth group broke the number one cardinal rule of making money at a Car Wash. They let the fat chick hold the car wash sign.
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08-27-2019 10:51
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If it wasn't for rap I probably wouldn't know the area codes of most major metropolitan cities
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08-27-2019 10:52
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My favorite way to ruin a romantic evening is by coming out of the bathroom naked and singing Love Boat until the waiter asks us to leave.
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08-27-2019 10:53
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Dark chocolate tastes like chocolate that started doing CrossFit.
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08-27-2019 10:54
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Glad I'm not Spiderman cause I'd probably just make lots of web hammocks and take lots of naps.
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08-27-2019 10:55
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How you all like the new page?
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08-27-2019 11:09
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My six year old just hissed at me. I'm either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
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08-27-2019 11:35
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Donald Trump announces huge border wall with Canada to prevent Melania from pouncing on Justin Trudeau.
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08-27-2019 11:36
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I canceled my Netflix after discovering tons of free channel's where I can endlessly scroll their menus finding nothing to watch, just like Netflix.
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08-27-2019 11:38
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millennial: I wish for death boomer genie: did you say debt millennial: no boomer genie: too late
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08-27-2019 13:44
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I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude's grasp on the English language was, like... twelveuous.
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08-27-2019 13:44
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