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90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
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08-25-2019 16:12
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The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.
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08-25-2019 16:12
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have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
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08-25-2019 16:13
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No one warned me that being an adult was mostly just hurrying up to get somewhere you don't want to go in the first place.
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08-25-2019 16:14
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I told Siri to use Bing instead of Google.. We both laughed.
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08-25-2019 16:14
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We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
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08-25-2019 16:15
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I've been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.
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08-25-2019 16:17
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i signed up for the cheapest life insurance I could find, it entitles my family to a tray of Wendys hamburgers when I die
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08-25-2019 16:18
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Just discovered that I'm willing to drive 35mph over the speed limit to prevent a PT Cruiser from passing me.
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08-25-2019 16:18
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"How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?" "It's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it."
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08-25-2019 16:18
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i saw a license plate yesterday that said 'i miss new york,' so I smashed their window and stole their radio
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08-25-2019 16:18
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Butter should re-name itself, "I Can't Believe It's Not Polysorbate 60, Soy Lecithin, Xanthan Gum and Other Artificial Flavors"
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08-25-2019 16:20
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The Internet is like alcohol, it gives people courage.
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08-25-2019 16:21
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My voicemail message is just me sighing for 20 minutes.
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08-25-2019 16:22
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othing is more frightening than accidentally making eye contact with a guy who runs a mall kiosk.
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08-25-2019 16:22
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I bought my kids electric toothbrushes because it was taking too long to splatter toothpaste all over the bathroom w/the regular toothbrush.
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08-25-2019 16:23
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Tech support just asked my grandpa what kind of phone he has & he seriously said "kind of grayish"
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08-25-2019 16:25
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Why didn't I think of nuking a hurricane?
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08-26-2019 11:33
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*Carefully measures exactly one serving of potato chips into bowl. *hands bowl to child, eats the rest
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08-26-2019 12:32
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[first day as an ambulance driver] ME: *crashes into a light pole* PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
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08-26-2019 12:32
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