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Hate it when I'm at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
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08-23-2019 12:59
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I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
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08-23-2019 13:06
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If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that's not me.
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08-23-2019 13:15
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All I'm saying is never trust a towel that's not hanging in it's normal place when you get out of the shower...
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08-23-2019 13:16
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Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
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08-23-2019 13:17
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No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ's face I don't think he's going to play them. Here come the police they'll help me
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08-23-2019 13:17
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Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
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08-23-2019 13:18
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My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
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08-23-2019 13:20
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Found $20 in a parking lot and thought to myself What Would Jesus Do? So I took it and turned it into wine.
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08-23-2019 13:21
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Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn't really think your choice was excellent.
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08-23-2019 13:23
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Your proctologist called. He found your head.
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08-23-2019 13:25
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This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
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08-23-2019 13:29
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My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on... I dont get women.
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08-23-2019 13:30
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I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
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08-23-2019 13:30
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My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
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08-23-2019 13:31
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Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
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08-23-2019 13:34
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My drivers side window quit working. So I guess I'm on a diet.
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08-23-2019 13:37
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I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
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08-23-2019 13:38
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Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
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08-23-2019 13:40
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Trump is basically King Solomon, but stupid. He can’t think of a solution to the country’s problems, so he just divided it in two.
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08-23-2019 13:52
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