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I wish some of my childhood friends who Iv lost contact with could somehow find me as I think I'm still 'it' from a game of hide-n-seek.
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08-06-2019 15:14
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I've always been a night owl who likes to get up early. See my dilemma?
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08-06-2019 15:16
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So Walmart securty didn’t see this Mofo coming in from the parking lot with a Ak-47 ? But they wanna see a receipt for some water!
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08-06-2019 15:58 by
Remy
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Does Moscow Mitch have teeth? He's always gumming.
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08-06-2019 17:08
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Oh great, the Dow Jones is dropping faster than Melania's panties at a photoshoot.
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08-07-2019 09:58
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I love you, #GreenShirtGuy. I'm cracking up with you.
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08-07-2019 20:47
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In 1969 you could buy a gun from a catalog. No background check or ID. No mass shootings. So what happened.
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08-07-2019 21:44
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Talk about blatantly forcing yourself on El Paso.
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08-07-2019 23:10
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If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
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08-08-2019 05:46
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"Woah woah hey woah" [me attempting to breakup a fight]
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08-08-2019 05:53
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*first day as a cloning scientist *first day as a cloning scientist *first day as a cloning scientist *first day as a cloning scientist *first day as a cloning scientis
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08-08-2019 05:57
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Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
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08-08-2019 05:58
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When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
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08-08-2019 05:59
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Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
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08-08-2019 05:59
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Boss: And why can’t you come in today? Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
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08-08-2019 06:00
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[Getting home from fishing trip] MOM: Catch anything? ME: No, but a bear did MOM: Where’s your father?
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08-08-2019 06:01
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If I die after I pay rent I need y’all to sit my body up on my couch until the 31st of that month. I want my monies worth
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08-08-2019 06:01
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I hate going to the kitchen and finding out I’m the only snack in this house...
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08-08-2019 06:03
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When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
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08-08-2019 06:04
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This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you're wondering how I do with first impressions.
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08-08-2019 06:04
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