Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   dances with the devil in the pale moon light.

   skinny dipping with snapping turtles...oh what a feeling!

   'We are born wet, naked, and hungry. Then things get worse

   Why using botox, when there is a cheaper way. Blow into a Vuvuzela and after 20 minutes you look better than Angelina Jolie ever did

   I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

   Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?

   "If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson's No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?"

   I was walking through the cemetery the other day, and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning." he said, "No, just taking a sh*t"...

   not available right now, please leave a message after the period.

   Have you guys ever noticed the months July, August, September, October and November spell out the name JASON???? Have I discovered something kinda like the Da Vinci Code??!

   I watched the new Supreme Court nominee on C-SPAN yesterday and honestly think he has the worst haircut I've ever seen.

   just running a bath ... after that I may take the shower for a walk ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶

   love Independence Day! But it pales in comparison to my Dependence Day, that is the day I decided to depend on God and not myself. Talk about true freedom!

   guys are like dogs, put them on a leash and they'll be chassin every puss in sight!

   strongly abides by the motto: "Safety third."

   OMG I just wasted my time watching the twilight series :love triangle between a depressed girl a 110 yr old vampire and a werewolf !

   Talk like a angel, act like a angel yet a devil in disguise!!

   Why do we sleep in church, but stay awake through a 2 hour movie?? Why is it so hard to talk to God, but so easy to gossip??Jesus said "If you deny me in front of your friends, I will deny YOU in front of my Father.

   Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.

   My Foot + your teeth + Contact at a high velocity = Awesome