Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I'm pretty sure that if I get married, the only place I'll bother registering is the liquor store.

   Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like... "Dude, shouldn't you be hanging out with people your own age?"

   My girlfriend might not be the sharpest girl around. I accidentally left my phone at her house last night. I went back over to get it and saw she had texted me 5 times telling me I forgot it.

   When I'm getting it on with two or three women, I have to really slow things down so I don't get too excited and accidentally wake up.

   So Facebook is coming out with a new software that uses facial recongnition to automatically tag all pictures posted. Something tells me "drunken loser" will have the most tags ever.

   I can't stand it if I'm excluded from an activity even if I have no intention of going and don't like those who are.

   My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

   I gave a homeless lady $5. Friend said I shouldn't because the lady will only buy booze with it. I said So? That's what I'd buy too. You'd have to be pretty drunk to sleep on the concrete.

   The "don't talk to me about kids until you have a kid" people are extremely annoying. I don't think I need to produce another human being to know it's problematic to let a 4-year old treat me like his b!tch.

   There's no "I" in meat, but there's "me" and "eat", and I don't know how vegans can argue with that logic.

   You're on a horse being chased by two lions. You're behind an elephant and next to a giraffe. What do you do? You get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

   Ladies, I'd like to remind you that trying to play "hard to get" doesn't work when you're already "hard to want."

   Dear Santa, I was framed.

   If you don't do foolish things while you're young, you won't have anything to smile about when you're old.

   The places where I think up the best jokes are usually in the shower and while driving... It must have something to do with being naked.

   If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer... oh wait, he does.

   I'm pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow White's heroin addiction.

   Immediately updating your relationship status on Facebook after a fight for the 10th time this week is annoying, cut it out.

   Relationships would be great if it wasn't for all those feelings.

   Why is it always the least attractive people who post pictures of themselves daily? No, I do not "heart" your duck face.