Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   May is National Procrastination Awareness Month.

   I am definitely not a morning person. Unfortunately, my daughter is....and she hates the taste of NyQuil.

   I always poop on a regular basis, so I'm not sure what this "Activia Challenge" is going to accomplish. It could unleash horrors the likes of which mankind has never witnessed. See you on the other side...

   Lindsay Lohan has taken to writing on her nails which can mean only one thing. She's hopeing to be Sarah Palin's running mate.

   You have enemies? Good, that means you stood up for something.

   Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

   the only thing women truely love is making their friends jealous

   leather good's maker Louis Vuitton rejecting Lindsay Lohan's request for logo embroidered muzzle ; whips & fanny pack

   how can I possibly be expected to tolerate living with the gender that doesn't know a thing about the spread offense.

   girlfriends always want to have long talks. I say fine, lets talk.."I hate your friends, you're always hurt, and I'm always tired of paying for meals you only eat a third of...we done?"

   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

   Do you think many people look at others facebook's and judge them off what they see or what was said, I dont because thatd be pathetic. But if youre out there, hi. :)

   Home is where I want to be. The only place that feels like me. World outside just melts away. Relax unwind wrap up the day. Where I spend the night and start the day.

   Next time you pull up to a BP station, say, "I'll have whatever the pelicans are having."

   Say what you will about BP, they sure discovered a lot of freaking oil down there.

   Vuvuzelas are high-pitched, annoying and everywhere: the Justin Bieber of sports.

   Water in the Gulf of Mexico is now worth $75 a barrel.

   If aliens came to Earth to prevent us from destroying the planet, they'd be like, "Oops, too late."

   I started playing the new Facebook game, Oilville, but now I can't make it stop.

   Once you've resolved to stop Googling yourself, the Internet really doesn't have much to offer.