Funny Status Messages

   was woken up again last night by the bulimic girl next door. I banged on the wall and shouted, "For f***s sake, keep it down!".

   Worst thing to feel during a proctology exam ???...Two hands on your shoulders

   bored of thinking of funny things to write in status and isn't going to bother this time

   not a doctor, but I play one in the emergency room until security shows up.

   would be more willing to accept people for who they are if they were more like how I wanted them to be.

   planning a vacation and is leaning towards Pisa.

   There is no SPF strong enough to sheild you from the sheer awesomeness that radiates from my ass!

   ʇɐ s,oɥ ǝɥʇ ǝɹǝɥʍ˙˙˙ uoıʇısod ʇɥƃıɹ ǝɥʇ uı ʍou ɯɐ ı' ʞo

   Just go ahead and sneeze cause my presence just blessed you

   loves to chase his pets with a vacuum cleaner

   tried to join a Tourette's support group, but they told me to piss off

   wondering if Jewish doctors get paid for doing circumcisions, or just get to keep the tips.

   discovered today that when a police officer says, "Ma'am, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?", you should never respond with "Officer, your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

   had some Korean meatballs last night. They were the dog's bollocks.

   once read a book about anti-gravity. I just couldn't put it down.

   My boyfriend told me that he was seeing someone else because he was fed up with my bad habits. I nearly choked on my toenail.

   kind of surprised I'm not an action figure by now.

   hates it when old relatives come up to you at weddings and say, "You'll be next, dear". I'm sure they wouldn't be too impressed if I started saying that to them at funerals.

   thinks a city built on rock 'n roll would be structurally unsound.

   just had a bunch of underwear stolen. Cops are making a brief inquiry.