Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Dear Gangsta, While the prime "cap" is indeed a very important part of the cartridge it will actually be the bullet that you pop in my ass. Just thought you should know.

   Can we please stop calling them 'hipsters' and go back to calling them 'pu$$ies?'

   Try explaining the Biggest Loser to Ethopians: "See we have soo much food we actually have a contest to see who can stop eating so much of it!" ...

   An "open relationship" is when both people are cheating on each other and want everyone else to know.

   Facebook is like an ex girlfriend/boyfriend that your in love with; you might not like all the changes but you still go to it when your bored.

   I saw a sign on the back of a dump truck that said: "Happiness is getting your load off."

   I wonder how long I would be on hold if my call WASN'T important to them.

   I used to follow my dreams, but then they got a restraining order.

   I've perfected the art of the “You're telling me a story that I don't care about, but I'm trying to look interested” face.

   Stupid people have it made.. Nobody expects anything from them and when they do something right people act like they cured cancer...

   To the people who don't like me... suck it. To the people that do like me... same thing. :)

   Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the "Like" button.

   Bill Gates made his name in software. Richard Branson made his name in air travel and media. Donald Trump made his in property. I made my name in Campbell's alphabet soup.

   24 hours in a day... Except on Monday. That b*tch has at least 50.

   Hey Australians, if you don't stop an end of the world status midsentence on December 21st to freak out Americans you guys are more mature than me.

   If I keep procrastinating like this, I'm going to end up back in yesterday.

   I just wrote a note to my utilities company: Dear Utilities, Life is full of surprises. This month we won't be paying our bill. SURPRISE!

   I would like the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a bottle of Jack Daniels as a backup plan.

   Spellcheck? I just type the words into the Google Toolbar and see if it corrects me.

   I like to think that people that unfriend me wake up months later regretting that irreversible and life altering decision.