Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   Can we please stop calling them 'hipsters' and go back to calling them 'pu$$ies?'

   Dear Gangsta, While the prime "cap" is indeed a very important part of the cartridge it will actually be the bullet that you pop in my ass. Just thought you should know.

   An "open relationship" is when both people are cheating on each other and want everyone else to know.

   Bill Gates made his name in software. Richard Branson made his name in air travel and media. Donald Trump made his in property. I made my name in Campbell's alphabet soup.

   24 hours in a day... Except on Monday. That b*tch has at least 50.

   Stupid people have it made.. Nobody expects anything from them and when they do something right people act like they cured cancer...

   To the people who don't like me... suck it. To the people that do like me... same thing. :)

   Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the "Like" button.

   Facebook is like an ex girlfriend/boyfriend that your in love with; you might not like all the changes but you still go to it when your bored.

   I saw a sign on the back of a dump truck that said: "Happiness is getting your load off."

   I wonder how long I would be on hold if my call WASN'T important to them.

   I used to follow my dreams, but then they got a restraining order.

   I've perfected the art of the “You're telling me a story that I don't care about, but I'm trying to look interested” face.

   When I'm getting it on with two or three women, I have to really slow things down so I don't get too excited and accidentally wake up.

   So Facebook is coming out with a new software that uses facial recongnition to automatically tag all pictures posted. Something tells me "drunken loser" will have the most tags ever.

   I like to think that people that unfriend me wake up months later regretting that irreversible and life altering decision.

   I'm pretty sure that if I get married, the only place I'll bother registering is the liquor store.

   My girlfriend wanted us to go out and have a romantic evening instead of me staying home and watching Wrestlemania....... She's getting good at this April fools thing.

   Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like... "Dude, shouldn't you be hanging out with people your own age?"

   My girlfriend might not be the sharpest girl around. I accidentally left my phone at her house last night. I went back over to get it and saw she had texted me 5 times telling me I forgot it.