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I finally reached the age where happy hour is taking a nap.
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06-05-2018 13:48 by
Jake
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What's worse, women who want you to figure what's bothering them? Or the ones who tell you?
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06-05-2018 13:53 by
Jake
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I never knew I had so many aunts and uncles untill my parents separated.
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06-05-2018 17:56 by
Jake
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Pets are brilliant at geometry. They effortlessly calculate the angles to most effectively impede your progress in hallways.
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06-05-2018 21:50 by
@samdunsiger
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Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.
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06-05-2018 22:58 by
Jake
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I used my girlfriend's body wash this morning and now I can't stop replying to text messages with "K"
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06-06-2018 00:38
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I love your enthusiasm, so I’m going to loosen your restraints.
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06-06-2018 01:14
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Sorry I robbed a bank, stole a car and snorted cocaine officer, it was the Ambien.
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06-06-2018 01:28
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When you just want to lick a midget but there’s too many people around.
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06-06-2018 01:35
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My boss told me to ease up on the coffee. He said I keep shorting out the motion sensors.
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06-06-2018 06:58
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Not gonna brag but my neighbors don’t say hi to me
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06-06-2018 09:57
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Some people choose to be victims in life because it's a lot easier than being a winner.
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06-06-2018 15:33 by
pj
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it just me or doesn't anyone disappear in the Bermuda triangle anymore?
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06-06-2018 16:00
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2
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For all those calling for "Fathers Day" to be called "Special Person's" day, you already have a day of your own. It's April 1st.
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06-06-2018 16:23
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Justin Trudeau should have asked Donald Trump what year the War of 1812 took place.
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06-06-2018 23:20
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My wife jabbers so much that when we go to the beach, she has to put suntan lotion on her tongue.
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06-07-2018 02:46 by
Jake
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I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.
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06-07-2018 03:21 by
Jake
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I listen to all of the voices in my head...except the one named Reason. That one makes absolutely no sense to me.
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06-07-2018 07:06
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The second hand on my watch broke so I went and got a new one at, (you guessed it...) a secondhand store. While I was there I also bought a box of cigars, so this evening I'm enjoying secondhand smoke.
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06-07-2018 09:55
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DAY 126 WITHOUT SEX, I'VE LOST THE HEARING IN MY RIGHT EYE
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06-07-2018 15:12
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