Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When dogs leap onto your bed, it's because they adore being with you. When cats leap onto your bed, it's because they adore your bed.

   How come the actors in fast food commercials are all thin?

   I fear the day Facebook decides to inform users of who has viewed their profile... and how many times. ツ

   You laugh because I'm different... I laugh because you're all the same.

   I dare you to wink as much in real life as you do on online.

   I don't understand some elevator people... Do you really think pushing the elevator button more than once makes it move faster?

   “Hey. What do I do again?” -- Me greeting my boss every Monday morning.

   That truck driver just double bogeyed that par 2 parking spot.

   No, I don't want to "Like" your business on Facebook. I barely "Like" you.

   I don't think my face and my body accurately convey how good looking I really am.

   Adorable idea... Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yogurt called Debbie.

   Sober is the new BUZZ!!

   My grocery cart right now says, "I'm getting drunk and doing laundry tonight!" And also. "I like fruit."

   "I'm sorry, am I boring you?" "Yes you are, I appreciate your apology."

   You know I like my status updates like I like my mini skirts. Long enough to cover the important parts but short enough to keep things interesting."

   Have time to kill but not necessarily going to kill in that time.

   can officially call myself a man today, made cupcakes on my own without the help of mother!

   I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

   Ice cream conversations.. They all want the scoop!

   wants to thank the people that posted those 'Yeah Favre Retired!' Status's last week. Thanks to you, I now know who NOT to get my NFL updates from."