Funny Status Messages

   Where do babies like to go for lunch....... Hooters

   I spent alot of time trying to get all of my eldest relatives together in one room with no luck............. Then BINGO

   Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen. Me: so was this pie

   Throw a drink at Tomi Lahren? In this economy?

   Just sort of hoping for accidental success at this point.

   Doctor: It’s a girl Me: *starts sobbing* Doc: Are you OK? Me: Yes I'm just thinking about all the free alcohol she's going to get

   Rise and shine? At the same time? It can only be one or the other.

   I just applied for a job with the local police. While I wait for their reply, should I start going after criminals or is it too soon?

   You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.

   What’s the traditional gift for a 24 year anniversary? Is it murder? Please say it’s murder.

   When I was in our laundry room today, I saw that our ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.

   Would you people PLEASE stop praying for my Grandpa to get stronger . . . he's ALREADY grabbed me by the throat this morning!

   I remember grandpa’s last words before he died. Lighting a match next to the gas pump, he asked, “What’s this warning label say?”

   Dentist: I'm going to give you some helium gas. Me: Will that stop me from feeling any pain? Dentist: No...... But when you screem, it will be hilarious.

   My inflatable girlfriend takes my breath away.

   Sometimes I watch football holding an X-Box controller just to confuse people.

   You know you must be unappealing when a nymphomaniac just wants to be friends.

   It's getting that Time Of Year where I start Liking All Of My Friends Posts who have a POOL

   I pick up a copy of the new book The Long Walk Home by Miss. D. Bus.

   Looks like the witch hunt is catching a lot of witches.