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hard liquor because I don't don't have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
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05-16-2018 23:23
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Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
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05-17-2018 02:12
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I’m at my most MacGyver when something is stuck in my teeth.
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05-17-2018 02:13
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a lot of younger folks won’t remember this but before 9/11 you were allowed to grill your own meats on airplanes
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05-17-2018 02:24
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Having your favorite band come and visit you in the hospital is a good indication that you are going to die.
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05-17-2018 06:42
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Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your best friend” was the wrong answer.
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05-17-2018 06:55
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I'm so stressed out that I've started sniffing glue. It's the only thing holding me together.
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05-17-2018 06:56
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If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
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05-17-2018 06:58
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In my time, real men did not smoke cigarettes with batteries.
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05-17-2018 12:17 by
Kisstopher707
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* 21st century where deleting history is more important than making it.
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05-17-2018 15:49
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My internet went down yesterday. I think my neighbor forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsible...
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05-17-2018 16:39
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I find it annoying when old people poke me at wedding and say "you'll be next." So I started to do the same thing to them at funerals.
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05-17-2018 16:43 by
Jake
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Me: I have fillings for you. Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: I'm married and I'm your Dentist...
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05-17-2018 20:56
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If this new pair of camo crocs doesn't get me laid tonight, nothing will.
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05-17-2018 23:52
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Me: She really needs to calm down. Alcohol: You should tell her.
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05-17-2018 23:53
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I paused “Crazy Train” during the guitar solo to listen to you, so don’t tell me I’m not taking this relationship seriously!
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05-17-2018 23:54
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Stop talking about the Royal Wedding, your cats are sick of hearing about it.
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05-18-2018 11:05
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I've been trying to decide if I care less about the royal wedding or the Laurel-Yanny nonsense.
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05-18-2018 11:07
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America going straight into 'thoughts & prayers' Groundhog Day mode after yet another mass school shooting.
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05-18-2018 13:55
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I watched 30 minutes of Kong: Skull Island on TV, which was more than enough to confirm why I don't waste money on movies anymore.
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05-18-2018 15:27
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