Funny Status Messages

   You're only young once. After that, you need some other excuse for acting like an idiot.

   People accuse me of being overly competitive. I'm not. I'm the most non-competitive person in the world. No one even comes close.

   Victoria's Secret: objects in this t-shirt may be smaller than they appear.

   Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want 'cause you're not driving.

   I wish I was friends with a midget so I could introduce by saying, "Say hello to my little friend."

   If you're wearing sweat pants either you just worked out or you've never worked out.

   Just once I'd like to see someone in a movie call bullsh*t when someone tells them their phone number starts with 555.

   Captain Obvious must have been the last superhero name available.

   I'm watching Scarface 'cause I'm gangsta... On VHS 'cause I'm old school.

   Love is like a beach ball at a rock concert. It's fun for the people that get to be a part of it and just plain annoying for everyone else.

   I wouldn't call it a career, it's more of a soul-sucking paycheck making machine.

   When you count, it's called push-ups. When you don't, it's called sex.

   No meal tastes as delicious as the meal that someone else cooks.

   McDonald's is like a one night stand. I crave it. It feels good going down. I completely regret it afterwards.

   The only thing I hate about having a phone is when people call.

   Dear reply-to-all sender, we obviously have a mutual friend here and even though I've never met you, I hate you already.

   Well officer, it wasn't public urination until you started looking at me.

   just b/c a hoe is throwin it at you don't mean you gotta take it. its like boxing, you don't take every punch thrown, dodge that b1tch.

   Having your gf/bf break up with you and saying: We can still be friends. Is like your dog dying and you mom saying: You can still keep it

   Hacking and coughing with this cold. If I hack up a lung can it be sold on the black market?