Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Standup Facebook. Where "Poke" is the new booty call.

   Why do guys think more then girls, and why do girls talk more then guys? Because guys have two heads and girls have two sets of lips

   Why does Jason kill on Fridays when ppl are just starting their weekend? Why can't he wait til Monday mornings when everyone hates their lives

   Yo Mamas So Fat She Downloaded Cheats For Wii Fit

   Without fail, any movie sequel that does not have the same actors as the first movie will be terrible. Every time. I don't know why they bother.

   Just list United States first, Scroll Down Menu. I'm quite certain no one from Afghanistan is signing up for your email alerts.

   Can we just make everything battery-related run on AA batteries?

   Why do I feel so awkward about asking you for the money you owe me? You owe me. You must feel terrible.

   If you got a problem with your woman dont go out and get another woman cause now you got 2 problems

   It's great when I find out that some girl that used to be a b*tch to me in high school is just some random guys' baby mama now.

   If anyone has trouble finding the key to my heart, I keep an extra set under the stones in my kidney.

   The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren't me.

   Having a diet coke with your super-sized meal doesn't make it a ''healthy choice.''

   If I miss 11/11/11 11:11:11 I will be soooo pissed.

   If somebody ever stole my identity, I'm pretty sure they'd give it right back.

   My biggest fear used to be getting sick and dying, now it's of me dropping my cell phone in the toilet.

   I once told a police officer, I was going 90 mph cause I sh*t my pants, he let me go. It works people, it works!

   I'm building a fort in the living room with a sign that says "nobody else allowed" and I'm moving into it. Forever.

   People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh*t to yourself.

   If I could pick winning football teams half as well as I pick the stupidest, slowest cashier in Walmart, I could afford to shop elsewhere.