Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Dear credit card company, Your endless calls are a waste of both your time and mine. If you were dumb enough to approve me for a credit card at the height of my alcoholism... be smart now and realize my sober ass isn't payin' you sh!t.

   My curiosity and common sense are arguing again.

   Happy Birthday forever to everyone on Facebook!! Whew, glad I got that out of the way.

   Show me a person who can be trusted with a laser pointer, and I will show you someone whose soul has died.

   I wonder how many people have gone to their deaths thinking, "Any minute now, they'll take off this blindfold and I'll be in a Febreze commercial."

   If you don't like seeing me naked in the morning... then I suggest you change the timer on your lawn sprinkler system!

   The only worse thing than 'the one that got away' is the one that won't leave me alone.

   Too often we want what we cant have... but those who suffer the most are those who don't know what they want.

   I liked you a lot more before I met you.

   It's true we don't know what we've got until its gone, but we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

   Without women, life would be a pain in the ass. If you don't get this, you're too young to be on Facebook.

   My neighbor knocked on my door at 2am this morning and said, "Yo, I can't fcking sleep." "Well it's your lucky day," I said, "I've got a party going on in here, come in."

   I'm wondering how many calories my dog burns carrying each mouthful of her dog food all the way from the kitchen into the living room to eat it, then going back to the kitchen to get more. Maybe I should do that.

   Ringing in the "New Year" apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late... in October.

   I just learned that to burn off the calories from 1 M&M you have to walk the length of a football field. BRB I have to run to China.

   I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.

   If my plane is about to crash, I doubt I'll be using my seat as a "flotation device." More likely, it's gonna be used as a toilet.

   I consider myself to be a "political atheist" because I don't believe anything politicians say.

   Don't worry, some people are their own punishment in life.

   I am conducting a survey to see who is the most awesome person on Facebook. To find out who it is read the first two words of this status.