flinnie Funny Status Messages

   People on morning radio shows find everything so much funnier than I do.

   I like my women the way I like my coffee. Yup, I like blonde slutty coffee with low self esteem and huge boobs

   Two secrets to keep your marriage happy.. When you're wrong, admit it, and, when you're right, shut up.

   You can rely on me. I'm married, I'm trained to follow orders

   I miss Wesley Snipes. That man could act. You really believed for a moment that he was afraid of Michael Jackson in the Bad video.

   I would like to see the original blue prints for the city Starship built on rock and roll.

   The Statue of Liberty is undergoing renovations. She's sure to attract a lot of immigrants with her new D-cups

   Dear radio stations, instead of 40 minutes of commercial free music, how about 5 minutes of good music?

   I just accidentally mixed 'I cant believe its not butter' with my regular butter...now I don't know what to believe

   My last words will be either "I wonder what this does..." or "no, you put YOUR gun down."

   I swear it wasn't me that drew a d!ck on your face after you passed out. I traced it.

   Whenever a bird poops on my car I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just to let them know what I'm capable of!

   I never eat in hospital cafeterias. I'm always afraid they'll try to poison me to amp up business.

   Today, at Starbucks, when the lady asked for my name, I told her "Voldemort". When the guy called out the name for pick-up, he said, "VOL...uhhh...'He Who Must Not Be Named'".

   Updating my status in the car. Don't worry, I'm in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.

   We get it, London, you're better at rioting than Vancouver, you can stop now.

   Just saw graffiti of someone's Twitter name. It's official- the world is ending.

   ever look at your old pillow without its case? Looks like a civil war bandage. Do our heads ooze syrup when we sleep?

   I don't spank my kid, I find waving the gun works so much better

   I tried pulling myself up by my bootstraps, now I've got a concussion and two broken bootstraps