Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing's more chaotic than when the Task Manager freezes too.

   You ever see a van so creepy it feels like the guy actually said "rape-van" when the car salesman asked him what he was looking for?

   This girl has worse breath than my dog, and my dog can reach around and lick his own ass.

   Nothing is more disturbing than sitting on a warm toilet seat.

   It's impossible to drop something in your car and it not disappear between the seats.

   Last night some girl told me she couldn't talk to me while I was texting. I told her "That's the point."

   Alternating between shots of tequila and espresso because I want to be an alert drunk tonight.

   I don't appreciate the 5 minute radio ads about how commercial-free the station is.

   The bird that lives in my backyard has brought chicks back to the bird bath everyday this week. Potential wingman?

   My dads in the CIA but I'm not allowed to talk about it or something.

   Do birds get mad when other birds sh*t in the bird bath? "Dude what the hell?! That is NOT okay! There's a car RIGHT THERE!"

   Internet killed the video store

   Google Instant is great, but I find it disturbing that "grannies doing young studs" pops up before I finish typing "granola."

   I wish I liked anything as much as I hate you right now.

   Based on my life circumstances, I better be a rockstar in my next life.

   I don't know about you but I always go a couple pieces deep when I grab a couple slices of bread from the loaf.

   Oprah needs to buy everyone hot-tubs!

   How can anyone have 99 problems? I have about 3, maybe 4 max.

   I can't wait to hear all of my favorite songs used in sh*tty commercials when I'm older!

   sometimes when I'm alone I Google myself.