Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   I really hope my death certificate doesn't read "Buried Alive".

   If you use the word "Humorous" when you could say "Funny," you're just outing yourself as a douchebag.

   I don't consider my dog my child. My child would not be able to knock you down like Ray Lewis and crush your bones with her jaw at 9 months

   While you're out partying, I'm playing Connect Four with Thin Mints, by myself. Who's the loser now? Not me I've won 5 sleeves times in a row.

   Fact: Most American Caucasians will claim Cherokee heritage as well. Its just easier picking a group that isn't around anymore.

   Doctor says I have Gunter glieben glauchen globen syndrom. I break out in hives whenever I hear Def Leppard's "Rock of Ages".

   It doesn't matter how old or gangster you are- if a toddler hands you a toy phone, you answer that

   Fun thing to do #78 When you order a Coke and the waiter asks, "Is Pepsi okay?" shout "WHAT AM I, AN ANIMAL?"

   I remember a time when our country put aside its differences and came together as one. To show our contempt for Hollywood awards shows.

   If cats could drive they would all drive Volvos and not like you.

   "You should try these mushrooms. They're a type of flavorless fungus that have flecks of cow poop clinging to their surface!"

   Do people who work in those office supply stores steal stuff from their homes to use at work?

   I'll never be convinced there's not someone hiding under my bed just waiting for the chance to grab my ankle.

   Are we still saving whales? My basement is getting pretty full.

   Sitting on the plane. Stewardess said pilot passed out can somebody fly the plane? Took me almost 10 hours just to get it off the runway.

   If it wasn't for professional wrestling the companies that make metal trash cans would go out of business

   It's hard to get people's sympathy when your life is in shambles, mainly because the word shambles sounds so darn adorable. Shambles!

   "I felt as useful as a juice box without a straw" - Lyrics from my country music song about parenting

   The fact that I just swerved to avoid hitting a deer with my car tells me that it's finally time to make it illegal for deer to text.

   Adulthood is fun because by the time you're finally old enough to go out whenever you want you're too tired to do it.