Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life's a beach....and i'm playing in the sand...

   so my xgirlfriend just caught me banging her sister, this is a good time for the kool-aid guy to jump through the wall

   my girlfriend just popped in on trying on her bra's.. this would be a good time for me to shove a twix in my month

   just kicked off of public transportation

   time for all the bloodsuckers to come out again...not Halloween...election time

   9 out of 10 guys likes girls with big boobs. The 10th guy likes the other 9 guys

   I have no problem texting and driving. Now texting while walking downstairs, that stuff is dangerous!

   (f*-*)f(f*-*)f(f*-*)f <<Thriiiller!!!

   Seriously! It should be a lot harder to find people for the show 16 and Pregnant. . . Teens, maybe you should find a different hobby?

   Please put this as your status if you know, or are related to, someone killed on Alderaan when it was obliterated by the Death Star. The Rebel Alliance wants to bring peace to the galaxy, but the Galactic Empire continues to kill innocent civilians. 93% w

   When I flush spiders down the toilet, I'm not trying to be mean, I'm simply letting them experience their own private Raging Waters.

   so, what are you going to be for halloween? well, I was thinking about being, well, intoxicated

   Thinking they need to make pro football and basketball coaches wear uniforms like baseball coaches do.

   had absolutely no sympathy for the large woman who dropped her mars bar in front of me today but physically couldnt get down to pick it up

   "Back in my day we never went to school, the Indians taught us!"

   you've been unfriended, unfollowed and blocked. Let me know where you can see this, so I can block you there too!

   The big bag of Halloween candy has already been opened. The outcome does not look good for trick or treaters on Sunday.

   Happiness is a cop car turning his lights on behind you and immediately going past you.

   Whoever originally thought up the vampire idea should have trademarked it.

   May the wind always be at your back and the sun upon your face. And may the wings of destiny carry you aloft to dance with the stars. - george jung