Funny Status Messages
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Single men never get fat because they eat half of their cooking...... The other half is usually stick to the pan. 
Just cause your sister or brother says you're a poopie head doesn't mean you're a poopie head.
MTV's show Pimp My Ride was just propaganda for everyone to get tweed seats.
The time I was so drunk I forgot what a bar was and called it the Beer Desk.
Which shoes go better with this top and also hide the fact that my kids ate cereal for dinner last night?
Drug corners are the original pop-up shops.
Running late today cuz there was a rare Pokemon 17 miles south of where I needed to be.
Which room did Willy wonka get sent too??
I never turn down email offers, currently my male genitals are 200 feet long.
"We need to talk about your son. The only questions he got correct on the test were about the Kardashians." -Middle/High school teachers everywhere
Just not sure if this is a sign of the apocalypse, but I just saw a tow truck towing a tow truck.
Stop petting my peeves!
I was trying to impress my new boss, but it turns out that "collage" is NOT a fancy way to say "college".
You know when you get the shivers when you pee?.. That's because you just peed out a ghost.
If loving the mole people and helping them enslave humanity is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Could say we ate Velveeta sandwiches because we grew up poor, but, nah, we just liked ‘em.
I’m opening a bar called The Office. (You’re welcome guys.) “Be home soon sweetie, I’m at The Office”
Just because you wear a bow tie doesn't mean you're G A Y, but it sure does keep people guessing.
... Hey ..... My kid didn't have Child Safety Seats when growing up ... And look how well he turned out!!! He invented the Child Safety Seat and is now worth $187 Million ..... #SmartLivesMatter
Just got up to go to the bathroom and realised I left my work ID swipe card in my jacket. Found the jacket, checked the pockets. Found it. Then realised I didn't need my swipe ID to use the bathroom AT MY HOUSE....😑 