Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dont leave alphabet soup on the stove it could spell disaster.

   Being nice to someone you dislike doesn't mean you're a fake. It means you are mature enough to tolerate your dislike towards them....

   Roses are gray, violets are gray. Crap, I'm colorblind.

   I'll be 127.0.0.1 for Christmas

   He knows when you are sleeping...he knows when you're awake....oh my God I'm scared!!!

   A deal has been struck to allow evolution to continue to be taught in public schools, as long as Dinosaurs are refered to as Jesus Horse's.

   I hate it when I'm telling an awesome story, and realize halfway through that I should not be telling it to the person that I am.

   Women have special powers. They get wet with out water, They bleed with out injury, They make boneless meat get hard, and make men eat with out cooking

   Medical Marijuana vs Medical Alcohol... Why is the first one illegal?

   Just got home and found all the doors smashed in and everything gone!!! What kind of weirdo does that to someones advent calender ?

   My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.

   I totally take back all of those times I didn't nap when I was a kid...

   This Christmas I'm gonna party like it's $19.99.....

   My cuzn's baby's daddy's lil bruda's bes fren's uncle's x-wife's boyfren's mama's awnt's nexdoe neigba's susta in law said tell you Mur Cripmus!

   Lovin my early Christmas present of a Massage Chair! Work never felt so good!.. Now if someone would just invent a vibrating tampon I could start lovin my periods too

   I love reading ppls status "off to the gym" when you know damn well they are only going to use the massage chair

   Dude instead of all these credit card companies sending me all these applications they should donate the paper to schools or something!

   Could you undress closer to the blinking red light?

   There is no I in team, but there are four in platitude-quoting idiot

   hosting a Mayan calendar party on Dec 22, 2012. Disregard this announcement if the world ends on Dec 21, 2012. Also, if the earth's magnetic field does not reverse by then, I'm planning to sponsor a pole flipping contest.