flinnie Funny Status Messages

   A watched pot never boils, but an un-watched pot boils over, so I don't know what you want from me life!

   FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't" is not really a good defense in court

   I used to get scared when I worked nights as a security guard so I carried a security blanket.

   When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend. No one could imagine why he was my friend.

   Old movies make train travel look so romantic, but who in this day and age has time to solve a murder mystery?

   Sitting on the plane. Stewardess said pilot passed out can somebody fly the plane? Took me almost 10 hours just to get it off the runway.

   Sometimes I like to order my food "to go" then eat the whole thing at the counter while staring the cashier right in the eye

   Cop: did you see that sign? Me: yeah I saw the sign,..and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign, Cop: out of the car

   I listen to the first 30-45 seconds of a butt dial like I'm an FBI agent in a surveillance van.

   I just can't stop thinking of all the people who signed my yearbooks that I have let down by failing to "stay cool"

   "Haven't had to use my brakes in a few minutes. Better make sure they still work real quick." - everyone in front of you on the highway.

   Whenever I'm on the phone with someone I like to scream "WAIT DON'T HANG UP" right as they're hanging up & then not answer when they call back

   Not only was I too embarrassed to tell the doctor about my symptoms, when I searched for it on WebMD, I added "asking for a friend"

   I got sent out of class once at school.The teacher yelled at me, "What would your parents say if I called them?' I replied, "Hello?"

   If the breakfast club existed now I'd eat all their cereal and steal their cell phones

   When the nurse calls my name at the doctor's office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right

   FACT: that dog can walk on its own, professional dog walkers. What it can't do is pick up it's own poop. You're just a professional poop collector.

   My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it's there to stab potential taco thieves.

   FACT: any time someone tells you they're "about 20 minutes away" they're lying. They haven't left yet.

   It's easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your Facebook page.