Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The condoms I use are so sensitive... They hang around to cuddle and talk to the chick 45 minutes after I leave.

   The Arabian gas station attendant was closing the store when I pulled up. While I was pumping gas, he came outside and was shaking the welcome mat. I asked "What's wrong?... It won't start?

   Lock up your young daughters Roethlisberger will be out celebrating!!

   Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: in life no one helps you once you're f*cked.

   Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I assure you, it's much more serious than that.

   the jets havent even made it to the runway lolz.. .

   ♫♪♫♫♪♪♪♫♪♫♫♪♫♫♪♪♪♫♪♫♫♪♫♫♪♪♪♫♪♫Sorry iv forgot the words :o)

   Facebook - one more way my mother can make sure I haven't died in the past 24 hours...

   Somewhere Brett Favre just throw his remote at a tv....and it was intercepted..

   Few things are as attractive as a slightly pudgy middle-aged man in a Star Wars shirt. - observations from my mirror

   Getting really sick of making my own sandwiches

   its a beautiful day in Mr. rodgers neighborhood.. .

   I was thinking about sending Jay Cutler a consellation prize to ease his pain. Does anyone know his skirt size?

   The only reason I want the Bears to win today is so that I can watch them lose in the Super Bowl.

   I often wonder if the passive-aggressive Facebook status updates of others are aimed at me.

   I'm training for the Super Bowl. Today's menu: 3 dozen wings, sliders, nachos and beer.

   One day I want to be "Let's Just Take My Helicopter" rich.

   Let's take turns going crazy. You first.

   I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.

   Knows that excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first making the brain a faster more efficient machine. This is why I drink!