Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Hate on stoners all you want, but they are the reason we keep getting new flavors of Doritos.

   You know how guys buy really large and expensive vehicles to make up for certain shortages? Well, I don't even have a car.

   If a guy doesn't turn on the TV first when he sits down next to his woman on the couch, that's a BJ request.

   Does anyone know the name of that rap song where they talk about weed and b!tches?

   Liars always think that no one is telling the truth.

   From now on I will be doing my laundry while nude. This way when I'm done, I will truly be finished washing all of my clothes.

   Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

   Sometimes I wish there was a zombie apocalypse just so I can hit a certain few people in the face with a shovel.

   Some people rake leaves, others blow them. I prefer the flamethrower, it's fun for the whole neighborhood.

   I was blinded by your beauty, so I am gonna need your name and number for insurance purposes...

   Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? - I do, as long as you get me drunk or take me back to my childhood.

   If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn't want me here either.

   Cat picture. Car picture. Stupid update. Cat picture. Food picture. Cat picture. Emotional rant. Cat picture. Emotional rant about a cat. Cat picture. Stupid update. Cat picture. Cat picture. WHAT HAVE WE BECOME?!

   To the people who have birthdays this week... your parents sure know how to celebrate Valentine's Day!

   it too much to ask for an attractive hot stalker....I mean, come on, seriously!

   I live every day of my life as if it's my last. Basically I just leap in slow motion away from things which aren't exploding... Repeatedly.

   I've been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you'd be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"

   Of course I'm not going to delete you... but you did manage to post yourself into my f*ck off and ignore list!

   "That's it. Nice and slow." "Don't stop. Just keep going." "You've almost got it. A little slower." "Oh my God! Slow down! Slow down!" Brace yourself!" And that's about how it goes when I let her drive.

   When I ask my deaf girlfriend to have sex, I make her tug my pen!s once for "yes" and 50 times for "no"