Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Keep calm and mentally undress your celebrity crush

   That awkward moment when your parents are looking over your shoulder at your Facebook page, and you dont know what to do..

   Dear Superman, I understand... I have a weakness for a certain type of rock too. Sincerely, Lindsay Lohan..

   When I sing I think I sound like an angel.. (; When really, I sound like a dying walrus!

   If I die, I'm gonna become a ghost....... and watch attractive people shower....

   If I had nickel for everyime you made me angry, I'd put them in a bag and beat you with them.

   feeling like a boss when you type without looking and you dont make any mistakes

   African mother to her child: "You better be happy you're that skinny, there's fat kids in America that wish they were as skinny as you!"

   Sticking your hand up in the air, and looking at it for no reason while you're lying in bed

   The only pick up line guys will need on December 20th, 2012 is --> "let's live every day as if it's our last"

   Some girls needs to stop freaking out about being called "dude". Just keep calm, it's basically a unisex term

   Elementary School: YAY CRAYONS! =) Middle School: Crayons? What am I, 3? -__- High School: HOLY SH*T, CRAYONS!

   Bad: Having a song stuck in your head. Worse: Having a song stuck in your head that you don't know all the words to.

   A paper cut is the paper's way of saying,"If I was still a tree, I would give you a damn splinter,but this is the best I can do"

   Dear scientists, Which is worse for our lungs, smoking or walking into an Abercrombie store? Sincerely, worried..

   that awkward moment when you hold the door for someone and you're left standing there for an eternity because they move at a turtle's pace.

   Dear cops, Please stop pretending you never drank before you were 21. Sincerely, you're not fooling anyone!

   Dear Sour Patch Kids, What happened to all the Sour Patch Parents? Sincerely, confused eater..

   People say I am so cruel, but I have the heart of a small child...in a jar on my desk...

   My parents are gone! I should do something crazy that I'm not allowed to do!... *Drinks milk straight from the carton*.... God I'm so badass.