Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was completely offended, but then you said "no offense," so now everything's cool.

   Omg!! got 6 numbers on the Lotto... and the stupid machine didn't pick any of them :(

   Geez O pete's just legalize marijauna already...just for the simple fact that stoner's won't have anything else to talk about, ever!!

   Dodged another windshield today.....BUG LIFE.

   So ticket resellers are selling tickets to Charlie Sheen's show at a 75% loss. Why would the average American pay $52 to see something they can read on Twitter for free? Losing. duh.

   to get a taxi from West Philadelphia (Born and raised) to Bel Air would cost $8356.96 on an average journey. Jazzy Jeff is one generous guy.

   The kids nowadays don't realize how lucky they are when it comes to porn. They can switch on the computer and have vast amounts in seconds. When I was a kid, I used to have a wank when I typed the digits 55318008 into a calculator

   Ok, so this girl on Facebook posted a status which read: "How can I get rid of this morning sickness?" Turns out replying, "Try a coat hanger" is a good way to get yourself deleted.

   I think I'm going to have my OCD support group meeting at my home today. If nothing else, at least my house will get cleaned...

   Advice for office managers: Keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer. That way, when she goes to get one you'll get a great view of her ass.

   Am I the only one who feels Facebook was actually created by divorce Lawyers????

   I agree with weed man down there. Everyone would be so much happier if they legalized it.

   We all know who we should blame for the war in Libya... Doc why did you steal the plutonium you mad man!!! >_<

   Benefits of legalizing weed: - Tax it to help national debt - Job creation, weed farmers ect. - Substitute for tobacco, tobacco is worse. - Cops don't waste time on non-violent weed users. - Prisons don't waste space on non-violent users. - Gangs loose bu

   NEW FB VIRUS!! THIS IS A BAD ONE!! This virus looks up your kids' birth certificates and sells them on Ebay, your dog will run away, you will gain weight, your cell phone won't get reception, cats and mice will unite, Reading this may have infected you!

   That Awkward moment when you realize no one liked you're status 8 hours later

   I took a sip off my dads beer #thuglife

   Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

   My probation officer didn't check on me tonight.....THUG LIFE

   You know in the future its gonna be pretty common too say, "So grandma how many tattoos do you have?"