Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Two wrongs don't make a right but three lefts do.

   I miss the old “This is your brain on drugs” ad ‘cause I now do, in fact, have some questions.

   There was a box of donuts at work today with a note on it saying "help yourself". Great advice I thought. So I didn't have any donuts.

   When I die, I want to buried with an elephant bone. Just to screw with future archiologists.

   wondering.. If Jesus really IS the answer, does that mean you can write =Jesus for every answer on a test ... ?

   Just found out that being a "person of interest" is not as cool as it sounds.

   remembers when sex was safe and sky diving was dangerous...

   I know this is bad taste... But do you think this means we'll be seeing an increase in Japanese Superheroes?...

   Lindsey Lohan changed her name to Houdini because he use to make stuff disappear also.

   If you make a left turn on backstabbing lane, cut through friendship trust terrace, and hang another left on weasel blvd. You'll find Greg Zafiris

   I wish these people would stop sending me job offers for 5k a month to sit at my computer at home and work... after I get that check from the nigerian lottery i'm not going to need a job! suckers ;)

   I wear a lot of axe. But I live in a primarily black neighborhood so around here it's called Ask.

   you're not drinking alone if there's a mirror in the room right?!

   I don't sleep with every woman I meat. Usually, I wait for them to leave before I call it a night...

   My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I'm off to find a bar with a mirror.

   In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and says, 'Curry OK?' I said, 'Go on then, just one song then bugger off'

   The kids wanted to go somewhere expensive~so I told them to get their piggybanks and we went to the gas station.....they didn't think it was as funny as I did....

   It took civilization thousands of years to get us off the farm, and Facebook just one year to send people back.

   Instead of thinking about what you're missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

   6.9 is just like 69, but a period got in the way.