Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   I took a sh!t this morning. TMI? Yeah well I don't want to read about how in love you are with your boyfriend of the week either.

   Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts! :(

   I had three women making me a sandwich this morning. I felt like a pimp. Thats why I like Subway.

   It is a tradition in my family to put a one hundred dollar bill in a plastic Easter egg and hide it along with all the other eggs. I have collected the reward for 15 years in a row, also this is how long I have been designated the "hider."

   If you can make just ONE person smile, then you're probably a really bad comedian.

   The best love is the one that makes you a better person, without changing you into someone other than yourself.

   Sometimes you just see a post and think, "Yup it's your own fault."

   I want to tell my coworker I have strong feelings for her, but I'm afraid things might get weird if she knows I hate her.

   You young punks are sissyfied... so quick to pick up a gun and scared to take an ass whippin'

   If I look tired at the end of the day, it's because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.

   There's nothing worse than getting $0.99 back in change

   Just when the mind found the answers, the heart changed the question...

   Please don't say you just had a newborn baby. If you say you just had a baby, the newborn part is assumed. No one thinks you just pushed a 12 year old out of your snatch.

   There are 2 versions of being broke... A guy version and a girl version. Girl version: They can still get their hair and nails done. Guy version: We will be looking like a gorilla and eating from the dollar menu until next pay period.

   I always wanted to be somebody. Now I realize that I should have been more specific.

   Every time I get a birthday card with money in it, I pretend not to notice the money and “read” the card.

   I'm pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butts.

   My mother always told me if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all... And some people wonder why I'm so quiet around them.

   Hate on stoners all you want, but they are the reason we keep getting new flavors of Doritos.

   You know how guys buy really large and expensive vehicles to make up for certain shortages? Well, I don't even have a car.