Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   I look forward to having grandkids, so I can share my wisdom. Mostly wisdom about Angry Birds, Angry Birds Rio and Angry Birds Seasons.

   When the artist dies, this roll of flower print Bounty is going to be worth a fortune.

   "For every hostage you send out, I'll give you one hug." - lonely negotiator

   It would be fun to replace every EXIT sign in the world with ones that said ESCAPE. Also, they should flicker ominously

   facebook has allowed me to bring my "he's a distraction to the rest of the class" from school to a global scale

   If, at any point, you stopped for Hammer Time, I think it is now safe to proceed

   Millions of men have fought and died just so you have the right to go on a website and whine about your ever so slightly imperfect life

   I blame my farts on the dog so regularly that now every time I let one rip, she slinks away in shame.

   Since today is Labor Day, I am dressing up as a union goon and beating up everyone with a different opinion from mine

   My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.

   My wife is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and currently looking over my shoulder

   Every time a cat dies, somewhere out there "Curiosity" is high-fiving his buddies.

   I hope I never become one of those dads who yells, "Shut the door, you're letting all the cold air out!" like some sort of cold air hoarder.

   Correcting typos matter. Its the different between addressing a letter to Santa or Satan. It could save a child's soul.

   Teachers are a bad influence on our kids. For one thing, some of them are nearly 40 and still in the third grade.

   New Years Resolution #1 Incorporate bacon into a majority of my meals.

   I hope your affairs are in order. Harold Camping says today is rapture day. Again.

   Babies are the two extremes on the spectrum of smell. They either smell like heaven filled with lollipops or a microwaved porta-potty.

   If you're the type of person who says "surprise me" to your waiter, then, Surprise! Your waiter hates you!

   When people say they can't do something because their hands are full I always hope their hands are full of twinkies.