unknown comic Funny Status Messages

   if you hitchhike make sure to use your thumb correctly or people might think you're just congratulating them on their excellent driving

   FACT: A baby is basically just a meatloaf that can look around a bit

   Got a white noise machine. Not sure how listening to people talk about GoT and pumpkin spice will help me sleep

   just cracked open a book or as I like to call it "a beer"

   Please enjoy my TED Talk, "Turn Signals: They're How You Tell Other Drivers What the Heck You're Doing"

   Being sick & running out of tissues makes me think about all those times I was all willy-nilly with my tissues like some millionaire.

   Hit the hay. Kick the straw. Bodyslam the alfalfa.

   If you're last name is Walker and you aren't a Texas ranger, I'll assume you have disgraced your family by choosing another profession.

   I think Eminem should become a dentist just so he can say "snap back to reality, oh there's a cavity."

   I never ever delete messages… just in case someone decides to start acting different like you weren’t saying that May 14, 2013 at 1:22 PM.

   Just in one of those “Curl up and watch 25 episodes of ‘Small Wonder’ ” kinda moods.

   What if every opossum you saw on the side of the road was faking it?

   I'm judge, jury, executioner, bailiff, public defender, prosecutor, and court stenographer. These budget cutbacks are brutal

   Opening a restaurant calling it: New Pho, Who Dish?