m Funny Status Messages

   All of this "which bathroom to use" debate is ridiculous....why can't we all potty like it's 1999?

   Long Island Iced Tea drinks should be called "Learn to Plank in one evening."

   It is what it is, it was what it was, and it shall be what it shall be.

   defeat is not the worst of failures, not to have tried is the true failure!

   Every day is "hump day" to my neighbor's dog....get off of my leg you mangy mutt!

   There is an 80% chance that 4 out of 5 experts will agree on any given question.

   Chocolate covered raisins are another way to say; "I hate you."

   Has anybody actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life?

   I lost 50 lbs of ugly fat with photoshop.

   Glass half empty, glass half full...it really doesn't matter how you see it, all that matters is there is room to add more vodka to that glass.

   Great canned tuna fish recipe: 1-Open can of tuna fish 2-Sit can on floor 3-Yell; kitty, kitty, kitty. 4: Now, go order a pizza.

   This weekend seemed to go a little faster than most. :/

   Apple is now making incontinence products for the aging American consumer... iPEED will be on your store shelves soon.

   you can't control the economy, you can control your health

   RuPaul's idea of a "drag race" is totally different than mine.

   I woke up from a deep sleep to find my very despised ex girlfriend standing at the foot of my bed...she was naked and holding a 12 pack of beer in one hand and a large pizza in the other hand...this works for me.

   ****Drum roll please****I am glad to announce that today I became a 1 gallon blood donor. Hold your applause because it was not by choice...a mega-swarm of mosquitoes forcibly removed that gallon of blood from me when I accidently wondered int

   youre a doll you are flawless, I just cant wait for love to destroy us

   Some of the most anxious times in my life has been the time it takes a dropped knife to hit the floor instead of lopping off one my toes.

   Who knew in 1987 when Steven Tyler wrote "Dude (Looks Like a Lady)" that it would become a self-fulfilling prophecy?