eengrms Funny Status Messages

   The buttons on my clothes are starting to social distance themselves from each other...

   In the future, imagine how many Go-Pros will be found buried under snow in the mountains containing the last moments of people's lives...

   Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...

   Once my kids wake up, my only goal for the rest of the day is getting them back to bed...

   The fastest land animal is a guy that sees a woman about to go through his phone...

   Going to Wal-Mart will help build up your immune system for just about everything except Covid-19...

   Life's tough. It's tougher if you're stupid...

   I never thought I'd be the kind of person who'd wake up early in the morning to exercise. And I was right.

   The only person who should have a gold iPhone is Mike Myers...

   Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you...

   It's always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they're like, "Thank you for choosing Domino's."

   Tom Cruise is calling for boycott of McDonalds because there isn't enough pictures of L. Ron Hubbard on the McNugget box..... See how stupid it sounds when it's not your religion?

   If Timehop is good for one thing, it's to remind me that I peaked a few years ago...

   What are they going to do now if they ever do a reboot of the Dukes of Hazzard?

   The stupidest, ugliest Presidential campaign in my entire life: House of Cards meets Sharknado...

   So Paul Walker was cremated... I hate to point out the obvious...

   I wish I could have a lazy Sunday but my to-do list is longer than Aaron Hernandez's rap sheet...

   I'm starting to think that Dr. Dre isn't a real doctor after all...

   Selfie sticks are this generation's fanny packs...

   This just in... Kanye West is still alive. Meanwhile we continue to lose really talented artists...