Scottyp Funny Status Messages

   "Lucy, in the sky, with diamonds"~~John Lennon....world's worst Clue player

   Hooked on Phonics werked fer me :-)

   My girlfriend bought me a can of Axe bodyspray for my birthday......However, I live in a predominantly black neighborhood so around here we call is Ask.......

   If I don't have my budget balanced by tomorrow--I am just going to shut down...

   I slept like a baby last night,,,,of course minus the peeing and pooping on myself.......

   Wayne Gretzky's son has opened a Parmesan cheese factory and it's ranked number 1 in the world.......He will now go down in history.....forever known as, "The Grate One"......

   Even if you don't believe in the Mayan calender, somewhere in the back of your mind you're thinking "I wonder if that sh!ts for real".....

   "Luke, I'm like totally your father. Party on." ~~Garth Vader

   I think I'm going to have my OCD support group meeting at my home today. If nothing else, at least my house will get cleaned...

   This one time, I had a goldfish that could totally break dance on my carpet..........but only for about 20 seconds...

   Obama leaned in, pointed to German Chancellor Angela Merkel, and murmured, "I tapped that." #NSA

   Donald Sterling, Solange, and Michael Sam walk into a bar,,,,who am I kidding, Donald Sterling would NEVER was into a bar with either of them.....

   its Sunday morning and I'm in a liquor store wearing nothing but a bathing suit and flipflops..so yes Mrs. cashier..im pretty sure I dont need a reciept

   I'm watching the Army/Navy game and Santiago is playing quarterback for Army...I'm just sitting here thinking, "I'll be damned, the Code Red worked"

   On-Star has made it so much more difficult for me to take my time when I'm robbing accident victims....:-)

   I would like to thank Jesus of Nazareth for the good deal I got on my tires and Jesus of Guatemala for the speedy service.

   Cats are really not all that bad...................It turns out, I've been cooking them wrong this whole time...

   BREAKING NEWS.....New England Patriots to start wearing an asterisk on their helmets....

   CNN reported that Bruce Jenner got back ended yesterday....I also heard something about a car crash....;-)

   God traffic sucks today. So glad that 47 per cent of the people in this country don't even try otherwise traffic would be even worse!