Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   If the Zombie Apocolypse doesn't start out like the dance portion of the Thriller video I'm going to be pissed...........

   Talk about a double standard, my 6 month old niece sneezes in someone's face and it's all "aww....how cute." I do it and suddenly it's all "what the hell is wrong with you."

   Attractive female traffic cops should make it clear they are not strippers sent by your buddies BEFORE they tase me.

   My face hurts from making that look of concern as I pretend to listen.

   Just saw the neighbor's little kid trying to spray whipped cream on his pet cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night he wasn't supposed to...

   I had my cell phone ring changed to a loud sneeze. That way, not only do I not offend those around me, they actually bless me whenever anyone calls.

   if you want me to go running with you, I'm going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.

   I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.

   When I was little I didn't care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it's obvious that my parents didn't care either.

   Survival rule #1: You go first.

   In hindsight, allowing girls into our treehouse would have been a great idea.

   Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.

   Dear Facebook friend, I was so super excited to read your post about you having pork chops for dinner. It was almost as captivating as your story about taking your grandmother to the grocery store. Where do you come up with this stuff???

   I'm having one of those days where when I get home I'm going to lean against the door, and slide down it while dramatically sighing.

   Ladies: guys don't care if the carpet matches the drapes as long as there is no rug on the back porch.

   Sometimes you have to go through hell to get to heaven.

   I don't think I should be held responsible for the things I say to fill awkward silences.

   anyone celebrating anything today? Anything at all... doesn't matter what. I just need something to drink to.

   My best relationship advice: Make sure you're the crazy one.

   Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it.