KIsstopher Funny Status Messages

   High Heels are a man's invention to make it harder for a woman to run away.

   My level of sarcasm has reached a dangerous level where even I don't know if I'm kidding or not.

   The older the Facebook post, the creepier your "like" becomes.

   If you don't want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

   I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?

   Its amazing how many bad decisions can be justified or explained away by just saying, "I was drunk" or "I was in love"

   Don't piss me off and then tell me to calm down. That's just like stabbing someone and then asking them not to bleed.

   Studies show that your chances of getting murdered drop down significantly when you STFU and mind your own business.

   Dear Chicken I don't get why you r so popular 4 crossing the road ... Yours Sincerely The cow that jumped over the Möön

   I've tried everything to get to sleep. Well, except that thing where you shut off your phone and close your eyes, but let's not get crazy.

   Every girl wants to be the one that makes a player quit the game. But sometimes that's like being the zebra that wants to turn a lion into a vegetarian.

   I think all women who say, "All men are Jerks" mean to say, "All the men I chose to date are jerks" or put simply, "I am attracted to jerks"

   I love doggie style as much as the next guy, but sometimes she's just too pretty to do from behind.

   It's funny how some people think they can fool me when I ignore their calls and they call me with a private number 5 minutes later. You really think I am that stupid? I know it's YOU.

   Sometimes I look at what someone is wearing and I can't help but think, "did you give up on life?"

   If someone tells you their horoscope says they're going to have a good day, it's your duty as a human being to punch them in the throat and prove them wrong.

   Every guy has a soft sensitive side. It's called “I need to get laid and I'll say and do anything to make it happen”

   Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...

   No thanks, Inspirational guy, but I am only on Facebook for the jokes and the meltdowns.

   If you love someone, set them fee. If they don't come back, call them up later when you're drunk.