Jiffy Pop Funny Status Messages

   The worst part about watching The Food Network while my mother in law tries to follow their recipes during the Holidays is the sad fact that they don't deliver.

   Life has handed me a lot of things. Except lemons. The great mystery of life for me has not been "Why are we here?" or "What is my purpose?". Actually I'd be happy just finding out where exactly the free lemon line is.

   After our breakup, my ex once begged me over and over again to go out, or as my lawyer called it "Violating a Protection Order"

   Sometimes I hate going to the Mall. I've always felt like they are watching or following me. I tried to prove it , but my wife just rolls her eyes. The shocking truth is every map I've ever seen in that place says "You are Here". How do they know that?

   Tu pac's of Eminems used to cost 50 cents. Kanye believe it? Isn't that Ludacris? Wil-I-am glad they aren't as cheap now, or I'd be an even bigger Puff Daddy than I already am.

   Nothing makes an 80 year old Grandma from St. Louis cuss like two ballplayers in a World Series Game who simply watch an easy to catch pop fly simply fall to the ground.

   I bet if Karl Marx had lived long enough to see Facebook he wouldn't have called religion the opiate of the masses.

   "I think , therefore I am"- Descartes..."I post, therefore I ham"- Me

   Tonight I've decided to put the bourban in suburban,

   I'm "talking in your voicemail as if you could hear it like an answering machine" years old.

   A company is now selling bacon-scented deodorant. I hope Axe Body Spray doesn't come up with their own version... I'd really hate to see the women who'll mob you for THAT scent.

   Finally I'm not being harassed by my family or coworkers for listening to Christmas Music. It was rough back in July.

   This whole pumpkin pie is not only delicious..... It also contains nearly 50% of my Thanksgiving Day requirement of pumpkin pie..

   INSTANT HAPPINESS: Just add bacon...or sɇx...or enough money to buy bacon and sɇx.

   Suddenly I think I know how an Oreo Double Stuff cookie feels.

   Toronto mayor Rob Ford has agreed to star in a p0rno flick. Now there's a guy who will take a crack at anything.

   The truth is anyone who thinks we're still having global warming should look at what is happening in Egypt and realize that they're in DE-NILE. (Sorry I couldn't resist)

   Well the news reports that a Tibetan Mastiff was purchased in China for 2 Million Dollars. Some one over there is about to eat the most expensive authentic Chinese Meal they've ever had today.

   I've started this new bacon free diet today. So if the bacon is free, I'll eat it

   Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady have put their LA Mega-Mansion up for sale. Sadly, in today's economy even the Brady-Bundchen can't keep their home.