Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   I just won my 143rd straight dance off against that Walmart greeter.

   Go to the train station and make eye contact with someone as the train pulls away and then chase after it it while yelling "I LOVE YOU!"

   It's a shame that people who start a sentence with, "I know it's none of my business," never leave it at that.

   People will stop making small talk with you if you simply wear clown makeup whenever you're out in public.

   Did any bad guy in Scooby Doo actually commit a crime? I'm pretty sure wearing a silly mask and scaring people isn't illegal.

   I hate Walmart. The men's bathroom doesn't have any urninals! Just a bunch of women screaming telling me to get out

   I don't remember if the toilet water was blue or not before I sat down, so there's a chance I'm magical.

   I joke a lot, but in reality nothing can stop me from reaching my goals, except for shiny distractions or moderate discomfort.

   No I didn't watch the VMA. I was unaware MTV EVEN showed music videos anymore

   If you can listen to Phil Collins "In the air tonight" and not play the air drums, then you my friend have no soul!

   I just can't stop thinking of all the people who signed my yearbooks that I have let down by failing to "stay cool"

   If anyone ever texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from state farm"

   Car commercials make driving around in empty parking garages look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.

   "Is that your dog?" "No, actually she's adopted... we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves"

   Just told my dog "Don't walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don't.

   I alternate between cautious optimism and reckless pessimism.

   Yes, you are entitled to your opinion. Why you insist on being wrong is beyond me, but go nuts with it.

   Congress has an approval rating of 13% you should know Naked cannibals on Bath Salts are at 18%.

   You know what makes me mad? The fact that I know who Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian are.

   i'm really good at walking along, minding my own business and then having something happen