GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages
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Volkswagen should bring back the Beetle as an electric car. They can call it the Lightning Bug.

A blonde finds out she's going to have twins and starts crying. "What's wrong," the doctor asked, "Do you not want twins?" The blonde replied, "No, I don't know who the second dad is!"

Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize they meant "autumn", not the collapse of civilization.

I don't know whose manager needs to hear this but pizza is not a bonus.

I used to care what people thought of me until I tried to pay my bills with their opinions.

Can someone update me on what's offensive today? It's hard to keep up.

It blows my mind that NASA is able to receive data from 4.67 billion miles away but I lose Wi-Fi signal in my kitchen.

If you call me from a private number, I'll respect your privacy and not answer.

I can't wait till I retire! So that I can get up at 6am and drive around REAL slow and make everybody late for work.

Dear scammers, please stop flirting with all the people on their Facebook pages. We are all beautiful and charming and we do not want to be your friend. You are annoying!

How many divorced men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, because they don't get the house anyway.

Please pray for my wife. Nothing is wrong with her. She's just married to me, and I am a lot.

The world is getting too sensitive. Soon I won't be able to make fun of myself without people getting offended.

There should be a reality show where flat-earthers search for the edge of the world.

BLOND: How much does that microwave cost? MANAGER: Sorry, we don't sell to blondes. BLOND: How did you know I was a natural blond? MANAGER: Because that's a TV.

My ex just texted me, "Wish you were here". She does that every time she walks through a cemetery.

If a liars pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun!

Why did God make Adam before Eve? To give Adam a chance to speak.

Remember when teachers used to say, "You won't have a calculator everywhere you go?" Well, we showed them.

Welcome to Facebook. Please be patient - someone will disagree with you shortly.
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