Funny Status Messages

   As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps

   Facebook just suggested I poke my wife.....yeah good one Facebook.....been trying for weeks!

   For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all I'm sayin. the choice is yours

   I've reached the age where I meet a person I would consider "older" and then find out they're the same age as me.

   If you take Viagra with iron supplements it will cause you spin around and point North.

   the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it

   Don’t adopt a puppy to see if you’re ready for kids. Adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don’t go anywhere.

   After six months of listening to people talk with masks on, I finally understand what Charlie Brown’s teacher was saying

   Elevator music bothers me on many levels

   For all those calling for "Fathers Day" to be called "Special Person's" day, you already have a day of your own. It's April 1st.

   Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.

   The problem with this country is that too many people say they want Justice when they really want Revenge.

   I love talking to small children. No adult is ever going to ask me what my 3rd favorite dinosaur is.

   I'm not buying a 2021 calendar until I see the trailer. Not gonna get me again

   If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

   ME: welcome to my man cave. PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

   I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

   My concerns with anything having to do with the Royal Family ended in 1776.

   If you put the words "Let's see who reads this" at the beginning of your post it virtually guarantees that I won't.

   There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.