Funny Status Messages
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The NFL has determined that we will follow the 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi,..... rule before allowing defenders to tackle quarterbacks. 
Me: sorry mom, called you by accident.. Mom: no worries, had you by accident.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
The Irony of the old saying, "I wouldn't touch you with a 6 foot pole".
If you are driving alone in your car with a face mask on... Stay home... Even after this is over...
Everything I need to know in life I learned in First Grade... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?.
The difference between sex for money and sex for free is that in the long run sex for free will cost a lot more.
Who cares about Elmer Fudd's rifle. I'm way more concerned about them taking Marvin the Martian's Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator.🗼
When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change, hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it's an intervention.
Why is it that people who are the loudest about demanding respect are the ones who have done the least to earn it?
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Police in Florida have arrested a man who said he finally achieved his goal of shoplifting in all 50 states. You know what you call someone who steals from all 50 states? Congressman.
I'm having a quarintine party this weekend. None of you are invited
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
If you take Viagra with iron supplements it will cause you spin around and point North.
*Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy
For all those calling for "Fathers Day" to be called "Special Person's" day, you already have a day of your own. It's April 1st.