Funny Status Messages

   House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds

   If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it my illegal logging operation is a success.

   When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think "What would my grandfather do?" Then I leave home in my underwear and shout at random strangers.

   I'm reaching the point where I really hope it's not possible to be annoyed to death.

   Looks like I picked the wrong week to adult.

   NASCAR would be more fun to watch if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.

   "So this is Christmas, and what have you done?" The start of a John Lennon song, or the wife about to start an argument?

   please don't be laundry in here, please don't be laundry in here, please don't be laundry in here... -me opening the dryer

   I’m small but influential. Like bacteria or Tom Cruise.

   Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

   I’m not a sore loser, thanks to Vicodin.

   My friend's dog is tough. I interrogated him for over an hour and he still wouldn't tell me who's a good boy.

   FIFA refs should issue pink cards for flopping.

   Let's get married. Whoever gets out with their soul wins.

   Not to brag, but in some circles I am known as “That chick who always knocks stuff over.”

   They say two heads are better than one. Untill it's their baby.

   If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer? You smart people just grinned; didn't you?

   You can tell the Beastie Boys were really close because they would finish each other’s sentences.

   The more random people you see jogging for no reason the higher the rent is going up

   If someone works with a bunch of a$$holes all day. Can they add proctologist to their resume?