Funny Status Messages
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump
Search Messages:
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White and Keith Richards when we’re gone. 
Hey kids, try the real Tide challenge. Get off your butt and wash your own clothes and fold them.
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
Wildlife Fact: In the wild, otters can go for days without checking their phones
I'm not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it my illegal logging operation is a success.
If you have a tattoo on your face, you've lost the right to ask me what I'm looking at
Actually I don't think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.
In my defense, my wife's text asking me to "drop a load in the washing machine" was confusing.
Me: I hate seeing you like this. Coworker: Like how? Me: In person
Dear Dos Equis guy: Seriously. What guy DOESN'T think he's the most interesting man in the world after he's had a few beers?
I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.
I don't go jogging in the morning because would just end up splashing coffee everywhere.
If I've learned anything after working in I.T. for twenty five years it's that Dilbert is not a comic strip. It's a documentary.
A new study says that a lot of people on social media today will believe anything that starts out by saying a new study says.
I've reached the age where I meet a person I would consider "older" and then find out they're the same age as me.
Kissing is weird. At some point, multiple cultures independently came to the conclusion that wanting to lick the inside of somebody's mouth shouldn't be exclusive to dogs.
I just sung Mariah Carey's "Hero" to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
I’m small but influential. Like bacteria or Tom Cruise.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.