Funny Status Messages

   Bought some unsalted almonds by accident today. Turns out, I like salt, not almonds.

   When your Dr. says "I'll need to Google that"..... it's time to change Doctors

   It’s Thursday… or as I like to call it, “Day 4 of the hostage situation.”

   Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed and it was....GREAT!

   When a cashier asks if you found everything you were looking for, take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, "I have now."

   I love talking to small children. No adult is ever going to ask me what my 3rd favorite dinosaur is.

   the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it

   I prefer my kale with a silent "K"

   Bigfoot saw me yesterday but no one believes him.

   Silver Lining: A 350 credit score prevents Identity theft! just saying

   A Facebook stranger doesn’t like my opinion. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time. 😂

   At my age, I still do dumb stuff, but only slower.

   I’ve done some terrible things for money...... Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

   Police in Florida have arrested a man who said he finally achieved his goal of shoplifting in all 50 states. You know what you call someone who steals from all 50 states? Congressman.

   I bought my kids electric toothbrushes because it was taking too long to splatter toothpaste all over the bathroom w/the regular toothbrush.

   I'm never more optimistic than when I put fast food restaurant sauce packets in the fridge and think I'm going to use them at some point.

   The Stanley Cup finals will feature a team that represents a morally bankrupt city, that is built on corruption, greed and deceit, against the Las Vegas Golden Knights.

   I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.

   One of the circus freaks of the future will be the incredible non-tattooed man!

   If at any point in your life you feel useless, just remember there are people on the BMW assembly lines that install turn signals..”