andrew jackson Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon Every superhero has a secret identity except Aquaman because no one cares he's Aquaman
←Rate | 04-08-2015 05:46 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just overheard someone say they need an "escape goat" for their project & I can't decide if they're a complete idiot or an evil genius.
←Rate | 04-08-2015 05:41 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hi, welcome to adulthood! You’ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep
←Rate | 04-08-2015 05:30 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
←Rate | 04-08-2015 05:30 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I had an epiphany, but I forgot it while I was trying to spell epiphany.
←Rate | 04-02-2015 05:49 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Fell down the stairs today. Counting it as a workout
←Rate | 04-02-2015 05:48 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Here's to ignoring our real problems and getting outraged about something on the internet.
←Rate | 04-02-2015 05:25 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon My dog was sleeping so I put his paw in warm water. He peed all over the floor. I laughed but he's not embarrassed and I have to clean it up
←Rate | 03-30-2015 05:42 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon if you love something let it go, if you don't love something definitely let it go. basically, just drop everything, who cares
←Rate | 03-28-2015 05:45 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon If being successful was an amusement park, I'd be the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can't get out.
←Rate | 03-19-2015 14:00 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon 5:spiders 4:snakes 3:serial killers 2:child molesters 1:couples that sit on the same side of the booth
←Rate | 03-19-2015 13:47 by andrew jackson Comments (1)  


   messageicon Me: I'm going to sleep Brain: No Me: Fine, I'll stay up Body: No
←Rate | 03-19-2015 13:46 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Our relationship with ants is weird. Ants are, like, "Hey, I only want these crumbs, ok?" and we're all, "NO YOU WILL NOT!"
←Rate | 03-19-2015 13:43 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon If there's ever a crazed maniac chasing you with an ax, just picture him in his underwear and you won't be scared anymore.
←Rate | 03-15-2015 08:13 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I never trust a politician 'til I see his sleeves rolled up, then I realize "WHOA that is one hard-workin' public servant."
←Rate | 03-14-2015 06:45 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just ate a half slice of cold pizza abandoned by my kid and wondered for the first time if I really AM Living My Best Life
←Rate | 03-08-2015 08:32 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.
←Rate | 03-04-2015 09:55 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Math question: There are 36 Oreos in a 14.3oz package. If Mike eats 3 of those cookies, how many minutes before he's like screw it and eats the rest?
←Rate | 03-02-2015 06:10 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Don't MAKE me turn this beat around!" — Gloria Estefan yelling at her kids
←Rate | 03-02-2015 06:09 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Accidentally used the dog's shampoo and my hair is super shiny but the neighbors won't like what I just did on their lawn.
←Rate | 03-02-2015 06:05 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  



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