@The69Sheriff Funny Status Messages

   I can talk to animals... they don't talk back but the stuff I say to them is still really cool.

   I never know when it will strike... but there comes a moment at work when I've made up my mind that I'm not doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

   I think that every horoscope should read: "Your day is already a failure... you rely on horoscopes."

   They should make a Rosetta Stone that helps men understand what the f*ck women are actually trying to say.

   I like my coffee the way I like my bed... made by someone else.

   Everything is made in China except for babies... they're made in VaChina.

   And then it hit me... For years we have had the "#2", "drop a deuce", "talk to a man about a dog" and "drop the kids off at the pool"... Now I proudly introduce... "Hey guys, brb... I gotta go bury a Bin Laden."

   I just spilled an entire glass of water on myself. Saddest wet t-shirt contest ever. Good news is... I won!

   Whenever I get called for jury duty.., I wear my American flag onesie so the lawyers know my brand of justice is pure.

   Stephen Hawking is British? Weird... I never noticed an accent.

   Hey, hustler on the corner... you know what drug I would buy from you? Claritin-D 24... but you never have any.

   Went bowling last night.... because I like jamming my thumb where a million other people have jammed their thumbs.

   not sure which pants to wear today... smarty or fancy.

   You know what is better than dry shampoo? Showering.

   This may be the wine talking but... "Help! He's drinking me.., he's drinking me!"

   There's "hell" in hello and there's "good" in goodbye... I don't know what that means but think about it.

   has been considering a lobotomy... it seems like a no-brainer.

   I call bulls*** on killing someone with kindness... that "kindness" crap won't even maim someone.

   I never point fingers but if you look at my toes... they're fully indicating whose a f*cking liar.

   A lot of sports teams are called 'The Devils'... if I had a sports team I would call it 'The Jesus Christ Almighties'