Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The only reason she hasn’t killed me yet, is because she knows she’ll cry and miss me.
←Rate | 09-16-2020 06:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you find a girl that makes you laugh, keep her because women are not funny.
←Rate | 09-16-2020 04:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My doctor says I need to cut back on my gluten. Over my bread body!
←Rate | 09-16-2020 00:51 by moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Portland Oregon is reported to have the worst air quality of any city in the world right now due to smoke. The question is, though: Is it smoke from forest fires or smoke from building fires?
←Rate | 09-15-2020 19:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Breonna Taylor's family should have collected the 12 million from her drug pushing, boyfriend's family who fired at the officers first.
←Rate | 09-15-2020 18:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When a cop gets killed in the line of duty, people say "Well, he knew the job was dangerous when he took it." Why can't we use that same logic on criminals who get shot by cops? "Well, he knew if he committed a crime he might get shot....."
←Rate | 09-15-2020 18:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately I don’t know anything
←Rate | 09-15-2020 15:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
←Rate | 09-15-2020 15:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
←Rate | 09-15-2020 15:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
←Rate | 09-15-2020 15:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are. That’s how the fight started
←Rate | 09-15-2020 15:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Amazon has been approved for drone delivery. We now have skeet shooting with prizes.
←Rate | 09-15-2020 15:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just saw 9 homeless people giving each other flu shots under the overpass. What a caring community we live in. ‬
←Rate | 09-15-2020 09:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I gotta stop taking that Ambian for sleep. When I went to sleep we all agreed that Segregation was wrong. I woke up this morning and it’s ok again? What did I miss
←Rate | 09-14-2020 16:47 by Lonnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
←Rate | 09-14-2020 15:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
←Rate | 09-14-2020 12:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
←Rate | 09-14-2020 12:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Chewing sugarless gum instead of brushing your teeth is the dry shampoo of dental care
←Rate | 09-14-2020 12:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear Cupid, Next time hit both.
←Rate | 09-14-2020 12:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Neutering our dog was the best thing we ever did. Made him less nuts.
←Rate | 09-14-2020 12:43 by DJJackson Comments (0)  

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