Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Yanny or Laurel?
←Rate | 05-18-2018 14:10 by Verge Comments (1)  

   messageicon America going straight into 'thoughts & prayers' Groundhog Day mode after yet another mass school shooting.
←Rate | 05-18-2018 13:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've been trying to decide if I care less about the royal wedding or the Laurel-Yanny nonsense.
←Rate | 05-18-2018 11:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Stop talking about the Royal Wedding, your cats are sick of hearing about it.
←Rate | 05-18-2018 11:05 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I paused “Crazy Train” during the guitar solo to listen to you, so don’t tell me I’m not taking this relationship seriously!
←Rate | 05-17-2018 23:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Me: She really needs to calm down. Alcohol: You should tell her.
←Rate | 05-17-2018 23:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If this new pair of camo crocs doesn't get me laid tonight, nothing will.
←Rate | 05-17-2018 23:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Me: I have fillings for you. Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: I'm married and I'm your Dentist...
←Rate | 05-17-2018 20:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I find it annoying when old people poke me at wedding and say "you'll be next." So I started to do the same thing to them at funerals.
←Rate | 05-17-2018 16:43 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon My internet went down yesterday. I think my neighbor forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsible...
←Rate | 05-17-2018 16:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon * 21st century where deleting history is more important than making it.
←Rate | 05-17-2018 15:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon In my time, real men did not smoke cigarettes with batteries.
←Rate | 05-17-2018 12:17 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
←Rate | 05-17-2018 06:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm so stressed out that I've started sniffing glue. It's the only thing holding me together.
←Rate | 05-17-2018 06:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your best friend” was the wrong answer.
←Rate | 05-17-2018 06:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Having your favorite band come and visit you in the hospital is a good indication that you are going to die.
←Rate | 05-17-2018 06:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon a lot of younger folks won’t remember this but before 9/11 you were allowed to grill your own meats on airplanes
←Rate | 05-17-2018 02:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m at my most MacGyver when something is stuck in my teeth.
←Rate | 05-17-2018 02:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
←Rate | 05-17-2018 02:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon hard liquor because I don't don't have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
←Rate | 05-16-2018 23:23 Comments (0)  

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