Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The difference between the company I work for and a cactus plant is that the plant has pricks on the OUTSIDE.
←Rate | 02-15-2018 04:44 by Crewz Comments (0)  

   messageicon When a kitten is chasing shadows it's all "Aww's" but when I do it, all I get is strange looks & pointing.
←Rate | 02-14-2018 22:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm pretty apathetic, so I'm getting a tattoo that says "Shrug Life"
←Rate | 02-14-2018 20:53 by Crewz Comments (0)  

   messageicon They say when you're looking for something you lost. It's always found in the last place you look. Of course it is. Who would keep on looking for it?
←Rate | 02-14-2018 20:27 by Justathought Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've kicked Stormy Daniels out of bed more times than I can remember.
←Rate | 02-14-2018 20:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon For the past 20 years I've got a valentine card from a secret admirer. And was sad when I didn't get one this year. Frist my meemaw dies, now this.
←Rate | 02-14-2018 19:29 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I see lover's names craved into a tree. I don't think it's cute. I just think it strange how many people take knives on a date.
←Rate | 02-14-2018 19:20 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Cupid. That makes sense to me, because nothing fills me with love more than a fat baby firing arrows at my butt.
←Rate | 02-14-2018 19:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I Went to the Valentine's day parade downtown, it was nothing more than a drunk guy wandering around with heart on.
←Rate | 02-14-2018 16:45 by MDS Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just received a letter from my crush on Valentine's Day. Well, technically it's a restraining order, but still....
←Rate | 02-14-2018 16:40 by MDS Comments (0)  

   messageicon Happy Valentines Day to the happy couple, Donald Trump & Stormy Daniels.
←Rate | 02-14-2018 14:03 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Oh, my bad. It's Ash Wednesday, with an 'h'... Sorry, honey. You can go back to sleep.
←Rate | 02-14-2018 06:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I went to the Grocery store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine's Day. These guys are marketing genius
←Rate | 02-14-2018 03:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Salt and sugar look the same. Be careful who you trust.
←Rate | 02-13-2018 21:01 by Justathought Comments (0)  

   messageicon I tell kids in high school if you wanna feel what its like to be drunk. Just spin around in circles as fast as you can for 15 seconds and try to walk a straight line after.
←Rate | 02-13-2018 19:53 by OmahaNebraska Comments (0)  

   messageicon People don't notice the things that you do for them untill you stop doing them.
←Rate | 02-13-2018 16:22 by Justathought Comments (0)  

   messageicon If dentist make money from people with bad teeth. Why should we use a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 of them reconmend?
←Rate | 02-13-2018 16:18 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
←Rate | 02-13-2018 13:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Valentine's Day coming up. I got chocolate covered Plan B's. HMU
←Rate | 02-13-2018 12:24 by Vic Comments (0)  

   messageicon I always carry a flute with me in case I see deer or rabbits frolicking in a sunny meadow.
←Rate | 02-13-2018 10:57 Comments (0)  

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