Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon People who pretend they don't know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
←Rate | 01-13-2020 10:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Since I'm getting older I've been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or chain smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
←Rate | 01-13-2020 09:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you're walking
←Rate | 01-13-2020 09:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear Science, You cloned a sheep named Dolly when you could have cloned a llama. A llama named Dolly. A Dolly Llama. That is all. Send.
←Rate | 01-13-2020 09:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
←Rate | 01-13-2020 09:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon WARDEN: Any final words before you're hung? ME: How many of these have you done? It's hanged, you idiot. WARDEN: *just shoots me*
←Rate | 01-13-2020 09:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Scar didn't murder Mufasa. It's a cat's natural instinct to knock things off ledges
←Rate | 01-13-2020 09:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My jelly donut didn’t have any jelly in it, so I don’t want to hear about your trivial issues.
←Rate | 01-13-2020 09:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon *me traveling back in time* *follows Albert Einstein* *waits for him to trip* *yells "Way to go, Einstein!"* *returns satisfied to present-time*
←Rate | 01-13-2020 09:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon With a self driving truck on the way, eventually there will a Country and Western song about it leaving you too.
←Rate | 01-13-2020 09:06 by JDM Comments (0)  

   messageicon Come join the world wide movement called "I pledge to bend over and pick up a random piece of garbage on the street or wherever I see it" movement. Like and share if you like to join!
←Rate | 01-13-2020 08:42 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Shout out to all my friends having an identity crisis, You know who you are, I think?
←Rate | 01-13-2020 06:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do you have trouble making decisions? Well, yes and no.
←Rate | 01-13-2020 06:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I walked in on my 13 year old boy watching YouTube videos and I was mortified... What kind of psychopath watches Bob Ross at 13?
←Rate | 01-13-2020 06:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon No you can't throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that's literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
←Rate | 01-13-2020 06:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon : Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
←Rate | 01-13-2020 06:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
←Rate | 01-13-2020 06:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon -first day at NASA- colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 me: do you guys do this in every elevator
←Rate | 01-13-2020 06:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
←Rate | 01-13-2020 06:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I once had a dog who was the best watchdog ever. Well, he WOULDA been if a vacuum cleaner broke into the house.
←Rate | 01-13-2020 03:33 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

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