Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
←Rate | 11-08-2019 10:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain. Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I'm one step ahead of you.
←Rate | 11-08-2019 09:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon At what point should you worry about your drinking? I bet it's before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
←Rate | 11-08-2019 09:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon surgeon: you can't lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks. me: how am I supposed to pee? *surgeon high-fives me*
←Rate | 11-08-2019 09:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon *goat walks into a bar *bartender sets down a beer coaster *goat eats it goat: Hit me again.
←Rate | 11-08-2019 09:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon What's a hangover? Me: The interest repayment on fun.
←Rate | 11-08-2019 09:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
←Rate | 11-08-2019 09:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Him: Amazon Prime and chill? Her: That's not something people say. Him: Sure it is. Bing it. Her: Also not a thing.
←Rate | 11-08-2019 09:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer. I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
←Rate | 11-08-2019 09:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
←Rate | 11-08-2019 09:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon confronts reality pokes it in the eye
←Rate | 11-08-2019 09:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
←Rate | 11-08-2019 09:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My husband's on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
←Rate | 11-08-2019 09:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I'm gonna have a milkshake! Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
←Rate | 11-08-2019 09:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ran out of coffee this morning. Vodka seemed a reasonable replacement. Everyone is soo pretty this today...
←Rate | 11-08-2019 08:48 by Gabe Comments (0)  


   messageicon My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
←Rate | 11-07-2019 15:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You know I had a pretty good childhood. I remember when dad used to roll me down the hill inside a tire....... those were goodyears.
←Rate | 11-07-2019 14:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Imagine an e-mail finding you well
←Rate | 11-07-2019 11:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I heard a good song on the radio today. Broken alarm clock blues. It's the one that starts, "I woke up this afternoon..."
←Rate | 11-07-2019 11:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I was one of the seven dwarfs I'd be Nopey.
←Rate | 11-07-2019 11:19 Comments (0)  




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