Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Still waiting to use “y=mx + b” in real life
←Rate | 06-26-2019 17:09 by Jmath Comments (0)  

   messageicon Give that man two medals! One for being an idiot and another in case he loses the first one.
←Rate | 06-26-2019 12:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I cannot believe Monday got the audacity to be tomorrow..
←Rate | 06-26-2019 03:33 by jitney Comments (0)  

   messageicon At least Buffalo Bill gave his prisoners lotion and a basket.
←Rate | 06-26-2019 00:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon To clarify: teachers are not "off for the summer", they are in recovery. ‬
←Rate | 06-25-2019 15:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Cable guys was just in my neighborhood, asked me what time it was.. I said between 8am-1pm..
←Rate | 06-24-2019 15:41 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon anybody knows the booking agent to DR? its for my ex
←Rate | 06-24-2019 14:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was arrested by a policeman for sitting in the park not doing anything. The charge was impersonating a politician.
←Rate | 06-24-2019 14:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon (eats exactly one apple) where is my health you wretched orb!
←Rate | 06-23-2019 22:16 by DocNoland Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was talking to the local kids last night, telling them they are ruining what our fore father's created. One kid said, "my mom sleeps around but I ain't got four fathers!". I shook my head and got his mom's number.
←Rate | 06-22-2019 17:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm giving myself a medal for taking care of a problem I created in the first place.
←Rate | 06-22-2019 16:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I start every day with Cap'n Crunch, and end every day with Captain Morgan because apparently I want to be a Pirate..
←Rate | 06-21-2019 09:19 by SEAN Comments (1)  

   messageicon You've officially reached your middle ages when you have a meat trap between two teeth...
←Rate | 06-20-2019 13:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Money will change me I don't wanna lie. So please enjoy me while I am still broke.
←Rate | 06-20-2019 01:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Lets just paint a happy little red wave right here ~Bob Ross~
←Rate | 06-19-2019 15:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon From the size of the crowd I would say wrong again .
←Rate | 06-19-2019 15:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just because you lost me as a friend doesn’t mean you gained me as an enemy. I still want to see you eat, just not at my table.
←Rate | 06-17-2019 16:53 Comments (1)  

   messageicon When I was a kid, selfies used to be called narcissism.
←Rate | 06-17-2019 11:06 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’ve done some terrible things for money...... Like getting up early to go to work. ‬
←Rate | 06-17-2019 09:21 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I remember when I used to get nostalgic. Those were the days...
←Rate | 06-16-2019 15:12 Comments (0)  

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