Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |  Oldest  |  Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 5 of 5827

   messageicon Haven't looked at Facebook in a while and have been doing things I don't normally do while looking at it like reading books, verbally talking to friends, noticing my surroundings and showering.
←Rate | 01-08-2019 14:22 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm very curious to see how many people still believe Trump when Trump said that past presidents told him that they wanted to build a wall, when the past four living presidents publicly announced that they never said no such thing to him.
←Rate | 01-08-2019 13:53 Comments (13)  

   messageicon If you can laugh at yourself you can save others a lot of trouble.
←Rate | 01-08-2019 13:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The worst part about watching movies at the cinemas is not knowing how much time you have left until the end of the movie.
←Rate | 01-07-2019 22:03 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Show me a man who calls himself a vegan and I'll show you a man who's trying to sleep with a vegan!
←Rate | 01-07-2019 14:04 by Truman Comments (2)  

   messageicon OK. What genius decided to call them Bridesmaids and not Insane Gown Posse?
←Rate | 01-06-2019 16:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The cemeteery has raised its burial cost. They're blaming the cost of living.
←Rate | 01-06-2019 14:07 by Joker Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's R Kelly weather out there today!!! By that I mean it's in the teens..
←Rate | 01-06-2019 14:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon In an another universe there's a mosquito taking a pic of you asleep and has just captioned it as "Diner is served" on social media.
←Rate | 01-06-2019 06:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon After the 7th day of January. Please keep your "Happy New Year" messages to yourself. We probably, have already cried, been depressed, been angry at someone, eaten leftover food more than once and paid an unexpected bill. It's no longer new or happy.
←Rate | 01-06-2019 05:52 Comments (2)  

   messageicon The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
←Rate | 01-06-2019 05:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If some of you people are giving up booze for January, but still want those lovely pubs to be there when you get back, some of us real heroes are just going to have to buckle down and do your drinking for you. Don’t thank me. It’s what I do.
←Rate | 01-06-2019 05:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon In my future defense, I was not running from the cops, I was running from the cameras
←Rate | 01-06-2019 01:46 by HotTea Comments (0)  

   messageicon If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra size.
←Rate | 01-05-2019 10:13 by Bob Comments (2)  

   messageicon I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card, I said to my mom, look I got a B in Reading, she said to me that's a D you moron!
←Rate | 01-05-2019 08:27 by Bob Comments (0)  

   messageicon As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.
←Rate | 01-05-2019 08:09 by Bob Comments (0)  

   messageicon I am so sick of these double standards. Burn a body at a mortuary and you're doing your job. Do it at home and you are "destroying evidence."
←Rate | 01-05-2019 07:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon OMG.... I hate waiting in lines... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
←Rate | 01-05-2019 06:55 by Bob Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why do people feel safe under blankets? It's not like the Killer is going to think "I'm going to kil... ahh damn it, he's under the blanket!"
←Rate | 01-05-2019 06:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon They say one in a group of ten men is a ferry. So I think it's my buddy Steve in my group of friends..... He's really cute.
←Rate | 01-04-2019 21:25 by Joker Comments (2)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left