Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Hot singles in my area have heard about me and are moving to other areas
←Rate | 10-08-2018 11:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I am ever investigated by the F.B.I. , I hope my investigation last as long as the Kavanaugh investigation lasted.
←Rate | 10-08-2018 06:55 by IDTN Comments (1)  

   messageicon If you get a friend request from me...I have not been hacked, maybe I am just lonely and trying to be your friend a 2nd time.
←Rate | 10-07-2018 21:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My therapist told me to write letter to the people I hate and then burn them. OK. I did that, now what do I do with all these letters?
←Rate | 10-07-2018 20:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't you hate it when you think you see a good parking spot but then you turn the corner and Stuart f@&k!Ng little is parked there.
←Rate | 10-07-2018 18:11 by Stevielea Comments (0)  

   messageicon Did I already post my Alzheimer's status?
←Rate | 10-07-2018 17:57 by KG Comments (0)  

   messageicon I didn't get the president's alert test tex, but I did get a tex, two big macs, fish filet, large fry, large diet coke.
←Rate | 10-07-2018 17:16 by Haha Comments (0)  

   messageicon So, now that Conor no longer has a place in boxing and in the octagon, I heard WWE is hiring.
←Rate | 10-07-2018 13:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Unable to purchase McGregor`s Proper Twelve Whiskey from his website, says he is currently tapped out.
←Rate | 10-07-2018 13:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Straight guy definitely understand consent when a gay guy tries to touch him.
←Rate | 10-07-2018 13:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Did you honestly think Trump would force schools not to hand out participating trophies?
←Rate | 10-07-2018 12:53 Comments (6)  

   messageicon KKK leader claims hate group has grown at record pace since Trump became President. We should be so proud of ourselves.
←Rate | 10-07-2018 12:46 Comments (13)  

   messageicon I've never had a DUI. Bet you can't steal this status lmao
←Rate | 10-07-2018 08:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why weigh yourself when you could set yourself on fire then roll in broken glass and feel the same way!
←Rate | 10-07-2018 04:59 by Stevielea Comments (0)  

   messageicon Most people wake up feeling like a million bucks, me? I wake up feeling like insufficient funds.
←Rate | 10-07-2018 04:38 by Stevielea Comments (0)  

   messageicon I asked my mechanic what would happen to my car if I stepped on the gas and break at the same time, he looked at me and told me the car would take a screenshot.
←Rate | 10-07-2018 03:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I really don't care what happens to America, as long as Trump wins his battles.
←Rate | 10-07-2018 02:25 by Ace Comments (1)  

   messageicon I went to Yale, I went to Yale. Who gives a flying f**k that you went to Yale?
←Rate | 10-07-2018 00:27 Comments (3)  

   messageicon (To the theam song of Barney & Friends)...... I like beer..... You like beer..... Everone here liiiikes beer..... So lets all go to the bar...... And have a few ew ew beers.
←Rate | 10-06-2018 22:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It’s one of those days where I just have so many questions like, How does Darth Vader poop?
←Rate | 10-06-2018 17:30 by Meh! Comments (1)  

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