Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If anyone wants to know why parents dont sleep, it's the foot in your nose at 00:39
←Rate | 09-09-2019 15:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I started a new drinking game. I drink a shot everytime Trump tells the truth. I've been sober for 2 years now.
←Rate | 09-09-2019 15:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I love my new phone that beeps and lights up every couple minutes to let me know it's battery needs charged before It uses up the last of its power to vibrate in a finely death quiver.
←Rate | 09-09-2019 03:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Give her flowers. Women love watching a slow death.
←Rate | 09-09-2019 02:45 by kisstoper707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Im sorry ladies, but life is not a fairy tale, and If you lose your shoe after midnight it means, well, you’re drunk.
←Rate | 09-08-2019 16:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dorian just made landfall in Alabama and somehow made things better.
←Rate | 09-08-2019 13:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon US Open Woman's Tennis trophy. Made in the USA, now Canadian owned!
←Rate | 09-08-2019 13:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Has anybody ever actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life?
←Rate | 09-06-2019 12:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan
←Rate | 09-06-2019 12:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You never outgrow sleepovers, they just become coed.
←Rate | 09-06-2019 12:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.
←Rate | 09-06-2019 12:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My newly wed neighbor man asked me about marriage.... I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
←Rate | 09-06-2019 12:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
←Rate | 09-06-2019 12:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
←Rate | 09-06-2019 12:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon And the Terrible joke award goes to: An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
←Rate | 09-06-2019 12:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Single white sock seeks same.
←Rate | 09-06-2019 12:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It hurts when someone you love says mean things to you like, "It's time to wake up and go to work."
←Rate | 09-06-2019 12:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra' and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that my wife does.
←Rate | 09-06-2019 12:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
←Rate | 09-06-2019 12:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I am worn out today.....My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
←Rate | 09-06-2019 12:25 Comments (0)  

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