Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon No one ever tell you about the amount of heavy cleaning involved in a successful career as a serial killer.
←Rate | 08-10-2018 03:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Guys, you'll really never know your woman untill you are married to her.
←Rate | 08-09-2018 15:08 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon My dentist said I needed a crown. I was like “I KNOW RIGHT??”
←Rate | 08-09-2018 14:08 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  

   messageicon I ordered a Chicken off of Amazon and an Egg off of eBay. I'll let you know.
←Rate | 08-09-2018 13:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hello, Acme? I'd like to order a rocket and a pair of roller skates. Oh yeah, and a sign that says "Yikes." ...No, I haven't caught him yet.
←Rate | 08-09-2018 13:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
←Rate | 08-09-2018 10:05 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've noticed that the most attractive women always drive those cute little cars! Which reminds me...the mother-in-law's Panzer needs an oil change!!
←Rate | 08-09-2018 09:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Losing an argument when you are right just because the other person is too stupid to understand what you are saying is the most infuriating thing in the universe.
←Rate | 08-09-2018 07:47 Comments (2)  

   messageicon Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love with what they see. That's why women wear makeup and men lie.
←Rate | 08-09-2018 07:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife has a slight speach impediment........ Every now and then she stops to take a breath.
←Rate | 08-09-2018 02:26 by Jake Comments (1)  

   messageicon Did you hear about the japanese lady that gave birth while taking a bath?she named her kid'' so kin wet''
←Rate | 08-09-2018 02:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do you know who I think I'am?
←Rate | 08-09-2018 00:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you go in the ocean to pee, go in past your waist.
←Rate | 08-09-2018 00:19 by Ha.ha Comments (0)  

   messageicon The three wonders of the world. Single guys that make wonders happen. Guy with girlfrineds that see wonders happen. Married guys wonder what happen.
←Rate | 08-08-2018 13:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There's a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.
←Rate | 08-08-2018 13:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think that blue wave everyone is talking about just waved goodbye! ;)
←Rate | 08-08-2018 11:22 Comments (5)  

   messageicon If you put the words "Let's see who reads this" at the beginning of your post it virtually guarantees that I won't.
←Rate | 08-08-2018 07:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon For one whom claims they don't watch CNN, they seem to know alot about what's being said on their shows.
←Rate | 08-07-2018 23:16 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Paul Manafort's shell company was called Summerbreeze. I guess that's just more proof that he's been a giant douche-bag all along!
←Rate | 08-07-2018 21:25 by YouWho Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why must we end rivers flowing into the pacific ocean?
←Rate | 08-07-2018 15:16 Comments (0)  

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