Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Every time I see one those signs handing on a telephone pole saying "Work From Home! Make Great Money! It's Easy! Call 1800 yada yada yada I can't help but think, if it's so easy why's someone out there working so hard hanging signs?
←Rate | 03-05-2019 14:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't know what I'd do without facebook. But I'm sure it would be something more productive.
←Rate | 03-05-2019 11:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.
←Rate | 03-05-2019 03:00 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Just because school isn't for you, doesn't mean rapping is.
←Rate | 03-04-2019 18:38 Comments (2)  

   messageicon Tweeting is not a valid defense, it's like having your getaway driver testify he never saw you rob the bank.
←Rate | 03-04-2019 18:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Only resort to violence if necessary like if a coworker says "another day in paradise".
←Rate | 03-04-2019 12:31 by Kisstopher707 Comments (1)  

   messageicon "No, I just carry it around to look cool" was my reply after being asked "Do you play?" in regards to the guitar on my back.
←Rate | 03-04-2019 09:16 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.
←Rate | 03-04-2019 08:23 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I had an English professor once who told me to avoid the use of clichés in my writing. I said "Hey, you're preaching to the choir. This ain't my first rodeo and I avoid clichés like the plague. Now if you'll excuse me, I have bigger fish to fry."
←Rate | 03-03-2019 20:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Me: I wish for my dog to live as long as me! Genie: Your wish is granted. You will now die in ten years. Me: Awesome! Way better than what I originally meant.
←Rate | 03-03-2019 15:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When science realized they mistakenly agreed to take my body they offered to pay my cryogenics bill indefinitely.
←Rate | 03-03-2019 11:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wal-mart Assistant Manager: You can use the Self-Checkout if you want. Me: No thanks, I don't work here.
←Rate | 03-03-2019 10:49 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I went on a cycling holiday last year, and it was exhausting! If I do it again I think I'm going for a smaller caravan!
←Rate | 03-02-2019 10:00 by Truman Comments (0)  

   messageicon My trust issues first started when my mom said "Come here, I'm not gonna hit you"...
←Rate | 03-02-2019 08:56 by Gabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon I pick up my dog's poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
←Rate | 03-01-2019 17:46 by Joser Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ask your doctor if being a doctor is right for him. Everything isn't about you.
←Rate | 03-01-2019 17:43 by Joser Comments (0)  

   messageicon The cost of living has gotten so high that my wife began having sex with me again so she wouldn't have to buy batteries.
←Rate | 03-01-2019 16:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon At my age, I still do dumb stuff, but only slower.
←Rate | 03-01-2019 12:48 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Chicago can solve its murder problem by having longer winters.
←Rate | 03-01-2019 12:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't want to brag, but I have the dietary habits of a much younger man.
←Rate | 03-01-2019 12:44 Comments (0)  

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