Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Research has shown that laughing for 2 minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm off to the park to laugh at all the joggers.
←Rate | 03-02-2024 05:55 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  

   messageicon never forget, you are a part of the universe that became sentient for a while and decided to post pictures of cats on the internet
←Rate | 02-29-2024 21:32 by Darkharbinger Comments (0)  

   messageicon Someday when scientists discover the center of the universe, a lot of people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn't them.
←Rate | 02-29-2024 12:28 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  

   messageicon Padhai nahi ho rahi, kyunki mere bed ka gravitational pull kitni strong hai, ye mere books bhi confirm kar chuki hain
←Rate | 02-29-2024 08:11 by @arshacasm Comments (0)  

   messageicon So….Apparently driving past a cop…. While drinking water….from a vodka bottle…isn’t funny and is technically wasting police time.
←Rate | 02-28-2024 21:40 by Avi8torTx Comments (0)  

   messageicon Our childhood didn't prepare us for the amount of time we were going to say F^CK as adults
←Rate | 02-28-2024 16:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The officer asked, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" And we just laughed and laughed. I need bail money.
←Rate | 02-28-2024 10:13 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm not homophobic. I'm pro-vagina.
←Rate | 02-28-2024 09:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Now that I've gotten older I've come to realize why Bigfoot stays away from people.
←Rate | 02-27-2024 10:25 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  

   messageicon My patience is basically like a Gift Card. Not sure how much is left on it but we can give it a try.
←Rate | 02-26-2024 05:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The Backstreet Boys are now doing Downy fabric softener commercials, which means their career is officially over.
←Rate | 02-24-2024 14:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I told the bank manager that I wanted to open a joint account. He asked who with? I said, the customer with the most money.
←Rate | 02-24-2024 06:05 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  

   messageicon Blacks comprise 13% of the US population. The exception being daytime TV court shows. Then it's 99%.
←Rate | 02-23-2024 13:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I couldn't get a reservation at my local library. They were booked!!!
←Rate | 02-22-2024 06:07 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  

   messageicon I learned a valuable lesson today. An LED bulb doesn't work in an easy bake oven. I've been cooking this roast chicken for five hours and it's still raw.
←Rate | 02-20-2024 15:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife is not talking to me today because she asked me what the female equivalent of the "mancave" is and I told her it's called the kitchen.
←Rate | 02-20-2024 10:03 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  

   messageicon Presidents’ Day is canceled until we find one
←Rate | 02-19-2024 16:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon No New Year, No Groundhog, No Valintine, and now no New President. Holidays suck anymore.
←Rate | 02-19-2024 15:40 by Darkharbinger Comments (0)  

   messageicon Walmart is opening dental offices in some of its stores. I'm sure they will have an express lane for people with 10 teeth or less.
←Rate | 02-19-2024 10:11 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  

   messageicon Menstruation? Should be called Men-Frustration at this point.
←Rate | 02-18-2024 21:42 by alexreynosoart Comments (0)  

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