m Funny Status Messages

   "Half time" is that point in time when you are too full to eat a whole slice of pizza but you have plenty of room if you cut that piece into two pieces and eat them separately.

   Whoever made up the saying "It's the thought that counts" never got a pair ofcrocs for Christmas.

   No, I don't have tourette syndrome..I was just telling you what I think of you.

   The good thing about this country is we have freedom of speech...the bad thing about this country is we also have Michael Moore.

   Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert A. McDonald says he misspoke when he clamied he was in the "Special Forces"...he intended to say he was in "Special Education."...Easy mistake.

   I don't see what the big deal is with the legalization of pot in Washington D.C. is...I always thought those people were smoking something anyway.

   This weekend seemed to go a little faster than most. :/

   Blow me, I'm German...you can kiss the Irishman later.

   Lately, more airplane passengers have been killed by intentional acts of pilots than by terrorists...seems to me that the TSA is scrutinizing the wrong people.

   The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

   I couldn't quite visualize what a nanosecond was until I dropped a piece of bacon and my dog had it gone before it could even leave a grease spot on the floor.

   The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don't even have to hide a body.

   I really like the people who say; "60 is the new 40" because I know if I borrow $60 from them, all I have to pay back is $40.

   The good thing about a cell phone is you can be reached wherever you are....the bad think about a cell phone is you can be reached wherever you are.

   It's hard to find a good air guitar these days.

   When the morning hits your eye like a big smelly cow pie.... That's A-Mon-dayyyyyy......

   All of this "which bathroom to use" debate is ridiculous....why can't we all potty like it's 1999?

   Has anybody actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life?

   Some fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time..." Others begin with "If elected, I promise..."

   Who knew in 1987 when Steven Tyler wrote "Dude (Looks Like a Lady)" that it would become a self-fulfilling prophecy?