andrew jackson Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon I just called. To say. I texted you.
←Rate | 11-28-2013 02:01 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon What if, when you see your therapist jotting down notes, he is only writing his tweets for the next day from your dialog?. Think about it.
←Rate | 11-19-2014 05:14 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon When a financial adviser asks me my goals I'm embarrassed to admit that it's to ride a snowmobile on the moon
←Rate | 02-09-2014 07:39 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon A certain "je ne sais quoi" is a terrible thing to have in a French hospital.
←Rate | 07-17-2013 12:22 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon The great thing about waking up to 3 feet of snow is it gives me a legit excuse to skip my usual 5:30am 20K run.
←Rate | 02-14-2014 07:47 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?
←Rate | 12-26-2014 06:50 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt has got to be one of my top 5 favorite songs about identity theft
←Rate | 04-30-2014 06:48 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Vacation to Hawaii? Meh. Paris? No thanks. Venice? I'll pass. Back in time to being 7 years old on a Saturday? YES, PLEASE!!
←Rate | 02-25-2014 09:41 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I had an epiphany, but I forgot it while I was trying to spell epiphany.
←Rate | 04-02-2015 05:49 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
←Rate | 09-09-2013 11:01 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon "This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel
←Rate | 12-27-2014 07:10 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon The Earth revolves around the Sun at a speed of 18.5 miles/sec and spins on its axis at 1,040 mph. So yeah, I got some exercise today.
←Rate | 05-02-2015 21:24 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon BREAKING: PETA releases shock video of tiger, caught by toe, being detained despite hollering.
←Rate | 11-28-2013 01:50 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
←Rate | 01-27-2015 05:34 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hi, you've reached my voicemail. Please leave a message that I'll ignore until you text me like a normal person. Thanks
←Rate | 04-23-2015 11:12 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm not hard of hearing. I'm tired of hearing.
←Rate | 05-20-2016 19:16 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Here's to ignoring our real problems and getting outraged about something on the internet.
←Rate | 04-02-2015 05:25 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that 'take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve' thing that girls do
←Rate | 09-23-2014 05:27 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear Europe, I lost a bet and have to watch a soccer game. Question: do these things end or do the players just die of old age?
←Rate | 06-20-2015 16:56 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I live by my father's motto: "Life is a football game. Try to fall asleep in the first quarter and complain if anyone shuts off the TV."
←Rate | 03-01-2014 09:57 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


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