MBH Funny Status Messages

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   messageicon I'm willing to bet the first medicine man was really just a lazy fat ass who figured out a way to get out of hunting or gathering.
←Rate | 08-28-2010 07:02 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was just hit by a Prius. It felt like I walked into a tree.
←Rate | 08-27-2010 12:47 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon It may be Pre-Season Football, but I'm drinking like this game really counts.
←Rate | 08-25-2010 12:45 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt.
←Rate | 08-30-2010 05:13 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon Stop looking at your phone. No one texted you.
←Rate | 08-23-2010 05:34 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon I love the point when you are finished with a transaction over the phone & you get to pretend that you are writing down the reference number.
←Rate | 08-31-2010 14:03 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon The first rule of Hangover Club is: SHHHH
←Rate | 08-31-2010 20:10 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon When did "MUST READ" become code for "This is a total waste of time?"
←Rate | 08-31-2010 09:26 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've just been fired from my job working on the Pakistani Flood's Crisis Hotline. Apparently telling callers to relax and "go with the flow" was not appropriate.
←Rate | 08-27-2010 14:03 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have found that the best stress reliever in life is not giving a crap.
←Rate | 08-30-2010 14:35 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just saved a ton of money by not paying my car insurance bill.
←Rate | 09-01-2010 18:59 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm thankful that baby teeth are the only things that kids lose while growing up. Imagine the trauma of a nose falling off. Or a leg. "Why's your daughter hopping around like that?" "Oh, she just lost her baby leg last night."
←Rate | 08-30-2010 06:18 by MBH Comments (6)  

   messageicon I'm feeling so good today, I'd like to ask you to high-five the person next to you and tell them it's from me.
←Rate | 09-01-2010 19:16 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon A guy on the subway couldn't squeeze past everyone to get off, so he yelled, "I think I'm gonna sh*t." Suddenly, people found a way to make room and he stepped off, smiling, and strolled away. Good one, sir.
←Rate | 08-31-2010 13:47 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon Tom Brady says he refuses to watch Hard Knocks. He doesn't need to watch. The Patriots tape the Jets practices anyway.
←Rate | 08-25-2010 12:47 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?
←Rate | 08-31-2010 09:03 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon A huge gym opened up right next to my local bar. No thanks, I'll just stick to my one-armed pint glass curls, drunk friend dead-lifts and pick-my-drunk-ass-off-the-floor push-ups.
←Rate | 08-31-2010 13:26 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon I found out one of the fundamental differences between my girl and I today. While at the state fair we were walking through the animal barns and while she began ranking animals in order of cuteness, I found myself ranking them in order of deliciousness.
←Rate | 08-31-2010 13:54 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm not saying our schools suck, but after one day of sex ed, my kid thinks single parents are the result of masturbation.
←Rate | 09-01-2010 19:05 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon Me refering to my buddy's newborn baby: He's so tiny... Him: You should see the balls on him.
←Rate | 08-23-2010 13:14 by MBH Comments (0)  

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