GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   I can't wait till I retire! So that I can get up at 6am and drive around REAL slow and make everybody late for work.

   Dear scammers, please stop flirting with all the people on their Facebook pages. We are all beautiful and charming and we do not want to be your friend. You are annoying!

   How many divorced men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, because they don't get the house anyway.

   Please pray for my wife. Nothing is wrong with her. She's just married to me, and I am a lot.

   The world is getting too sensitive. Soon I won't be able to make fun of myself without people getting offended.

   BLOND: How much does that microwave cost? MANAGER: Sorry, we don't sell to blondes. BLOND: How did you know I was a natural blond? MANAGER: Because that's a TV.

   My ex just texted me, "Wish you were here". She does that every time she walks through a cemetery.

   Why did God make Adam before Eve? To give Adam a chance to speak.

   Remember when teachers used to say, "You won't have a calculator everywhere you go?" Well, we showed them.

   Marriage tip: When your wife asks what's on TV, do not say dust.

   First rule of family gatherings, always bring your own vehicle so you can leave when you want.

   It's amazing how Facebook can spot a fake post but can't spot a fake profile.

   I am the reason why Santa has a naughty list.

   I just got a full tank of gas for $22. Granted it was for my lawn mower but I am trying to stay positive.

   Nothing brings neighbors together quite like cop cars in front of another neighbor's house.

   Dear Santa! Listen here! I'll keep eating my deer jerky while you give me what I want for Christmas or Rudolph is next. Make it happen fat man!

   Procrastination really is a good thing. You always have something to do tomorrow, plus you have nothing to do today.

   First rule of family gatherings: Always bring your own vehicle so you can leave whenever you want.

   There should be a reality show where flat-earthers search for the edge of the world.

   If a liars pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun!