BigSarge Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon BREAKING NEWS: "An armed lunatic stormed a gun range and killed 20 NRA members". - Said no headline ever
←Rate | 03-08-2013 16:35 by BigSarge Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just spilled ranch dressing on my keyboard then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
←Rate | 08-15-2013 03:48 by BigSarge Comments (0)  


   messageicon My Step-Son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an PlayStation game for his XBOX.
←Rate | 08-15-2013 03:59 by BigSarge Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you've never manually separated your butt cheeks to amplify a mediocre fart into a fantastic one, we could never be real life friends.
←Rate | 08-09-2013 21:24 by BigSarge Comments (0)  


   messageicon Nothing says "I mean business" like using a shopping chart at the liquor store.
←Rate | 05-10-2013 11:59 by BigSarge Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan. Somebody is about to be proven wrong.
←Rate | 03-08-2013 11:54 by BigSarge Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just ate a pudding cup without a spoon (In case you want to lift me up like Simba and present me to your people?).
←Rate | 07-27-2013 12:56 by BigSarge Comments (0)  


   messageicon How do Mexicans cut their pizza?..... With Little Caesars .... ***drops mic, Harlem shakes off stage***
←Rate | 07-03-2013 12:28 by BigSarge Comments (0)  


   messageicon Where can I buy a couple tumbleweeds? It would look way cool to have a few of them following me around the house
←Rate | 06-30-2013 17:07 by BigSarge Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear Kim Jong Un, Mr Dennis Rodman didn't impress you? Well here let me introduce you to US Naval Seal Team 6!!
←Rate | 04-03-2013 22:19 by BigSarge Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have decided my next ex-wife will be Scottish so when she calls me a worthless fucker it will be in that adorable wee accent.
←Rate | 08-03-2014 14:03 by BigSarge Comments (0)  


   messageicon I ran to the liquor store minutes before it closed!! **crosses "Run Marathon" off of my bucket list**
←Rate | 11-25-2013 21:15 by BigSarge Comments (0)  


   messageicon I spend an inordinate amount of time at the gym. Mostly in the parking lot, where I ponder alternative solutions like liposuction and tapeworms.
←Rate | 05-15-2013 03:50 by BigSarge Comments (0)  


   messageicon 69: because giving each other happy endings at the same time is very mature.
←Rate | 08-23-2013 13:58 by BigSarge Comments (0)  


   messageicon I spend my weekends random dialling women in the phone book and telling them their pillows smell nice.
←Rate | 05-17-2013 22:16 by BigSarge Comments (0)  


   messageicon All my status updates should be read in that hollow "affect-less" voice of a man with nothing left to lose.
←Rate | 07-23-2013 00:43 by BigSarge Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hit a new low today. I used a cheat code on "The Biggest Loser Ultimate Workout" on my XBox Kinect
←Rate | 04-18-2013 23:17 by BigSarge Comments (0)  


   messageicon 90% of women don’t like men in pink shirts. Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don’t like women.
←Rate | 03-08-2013 11:53 by BigSarge Comments (0)  


   messageicon 911 what’s your emergency? Me: My Wife keeps pointing a flashlight at me!! 911: How is that an emergency? Me: It’s attached to her gun!!!
←Rate | 08-13-2013 23:22 by BigSarge Comments (0)  


   messageicon How do they even grow boneless chicken's?
←Rate | 06-12-2013 03:36 by BigSarge Comments (0)  



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