@The69Sheriff Funny Status Messages

   There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year... play it safe and call in sick tomorrow.

   Can you imagine how terrifying it would be to actually NOT know the difference between your ass from a hole in the ground?

   Watching a little kid learn to brush their teeth is adorable... unless they are trying to use a sharpie with no cap on.

   You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac... you're welcome.

   "Right." - Fred

   My dad probably can't beat up your dad anymore.

   They say "You are what you eat"... so maybe we should eat skinny people.

   I wonder if they have a minute of silence at a mime's funeral?

   Psychotherapy is like the boardgame Clue: "I know who did it. It was my mother, with the passive-aggression, in the 80's."

   I used to suffer from major blackouts. This one time,...I have no idea what happened.

   needs to have a fixed income... mine is broken.

   I call bulls*** on killing someone with kindness... that "kindness" crap won't even maim someone.

   I will never understand how someone could kill in the name of religion... or unfriend me on facebook.

   An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance... so I pushed her over.

   Pulling your phone out in front of your friends has the same effect as yawning.

   just gave a woman my number in Roman numerals... if she figures it out, she's worth a shot.

   thinks that it's no coincidence that there are no z's in insomnia.

   drinking at the bar so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you... but I've never driven a bus before.

   When people tell me I can't do something, I prove them wrong by complaining about it on Facebook.

   I never point fingers but if you look at my toes... they're fully indicating whose a f*cking liar.